Teri sighed when she once more cleared Jack’s unused plate off the table and with a sting in her chest wondered why she still bothered to pretend when she couldn’t remember when they had last eaten together. Or when he had last found the time to cook himself, something he always had taken pleasure in. And in contrary to what she called cooking he really cooked well. Sensing the lately all too familiar wetness in her eyes she busied herself with piling some vegetables and pasta onto his plate and put it into the microwave for him to re-heat later. When she realized what she was doing she froze, anger welling up in her. What was the point of that, when she knew she’d find the food there tomorrow afternoon, untouched and throw it away?! Without even thinking she gripped the plate and tossed it into the trash, pressing her hands to her eyes to prevent the tears from falling.

“Everything okay, mom?” Kim called from in front of the TV.

Teri swallowed. “It’s fine. I just dropped something.”

She tried to calm her breathing. With shaking hands she retrieved the plate from the trash can. It wasn’t broken. At least something that wasn’t broken.

“Can I go over to Janet’s house?” Kim called.

“Don’t you want to wait for your dad to come home?” Teri called back wearily.

Kim’s blonde locks appeared from around the corner and Teri quickly turned to the sink to prevent her daughter from seeing her tears. She opened the tub and rinsed the plate.

“Janet has a new disc we want to listen to. And dad probably isn’t going to be home for ages anyway” she said. Yeah, Teri thought, probably he won’t.

Mechanically she asked: “Did you do your homework?”

She could literally hear Kim roll her eyes. “Yeah, ages ago. So can I go?”

“I’ll come get you at nine.”

“Half past nine.”

“Nine.”

Kim huffed. “Okay.”

Kim was sound asleep by the time she could hear his car on the gravel of the driveway. She put her book aside, listening for his keys in the lock. She got up and checked her reflection in the mirror for the last time. The blue silky nightgown Jack had given her for Christmas last year, after Kim had gone to bed and they had retreated to their bedroom tightly hugged her slim form. It had never failed to catch Jack’s attention so far.

She waited until she thought he’d had the opportunity to take off his work clothes before she padded downstairs. The door to his study was half ajar and he had his back to the door and just dragged the shirt over his head. Without a sound she slipped into the rooms and wrapped her arms around his waist. He tensed instantly and she needed all her willpower to keep her arms where they were. It probably just was his defence mode, he’d relax when he realized it was her.

"It’s late" she said quietly. He didn't say anything, just nodded, relaxing only slightly. "Hard day?" she asked and he nodded once more. She placed a kiss on his shoulder. "Come up with me" she said in a low voice.

He sighed and turned around. "I don't know, Teri, I'm not..." His voice trailed off when his eyes fell on her nightgown. His expression was difficult to read but it wasn’t exactly what she had hoped for. Yet she forced herself to stay calm.

"You're not...?" she asked, trailing one finger down his chest.

He sighed. "I really had a hard day."

She leaned into him and whispered into his ear "Well, let me help you unwind then."
He closed his eyes at her words and his voice was hoarse when he said. "I'm sorry, Teri, but I can't. Not today, I..."

Instantly the tears shot into her eyes again and she cursed herself for the bad timing. She didn’t want him to see her cry. Not again. Not now. Helplessly she launched out at him: "And not tomorrow either, I suppose. Well, never mind."

He didn't look at her, his eyes fixed upon his feet.
"I can't even remember when we last ad sex" she said, voicing what she had refused to even admit to herself for weeks and weeks now and flinching at the intense pain that shot through her chest.

He swallowed. When he looked up there where tears in his eyes. "I... I can't. I'm sorry, I..." Before she could stop herself she had interrupted him, the words tumbling from her mouth racing with the tears that now streamed from her eyes, unchecked.
"I mean, what am I waiting for? Is this going to change? Do you even want it to change?"
He could feel tears constrict his throat and searched for the right words in a mind that only seemed to be numb.
"You know, maybe I'm done waiting. This clearly isn't working" she managed to get out in between sobs.
He just stood there, staring at her, not reacting. "Teri..."
"I don’t know what this is, Jack, but this isn’t a relationship anymore. This is crazy. We don't talk, there are days when we don’t see each other at all and you can't have me touch you let alone that you ever touch me.”

She looked at him, tears still cascading down her cheeks, willing him to say something, anything. But he just stared back at her, something in his eyes she never had seen before.

“I can't do this anymore." She only realized what she had said when she heard the words. She held her breath, her eyes firmly fixed upon Jack while the room around them zoomed in and out of focus. She could feel her legs tremble underneath her.

He didn’t even flinch at her words. He just stared at her.

“Damn it, Jack, did you even hear what I just said?” Her voice was shrill and heavy with desperation.

When she saw him nod everything around her exploded in a whirl of pain and she reached out to steady herself against the wall.

“You son of a bitch!”

He still didn’t say anything, just swallowed to keep the tears in check that pooled in his eyes. She searched his eyes for some sort of reaction, some sort of emotion but in a vain. Despite the tears there wasn’t anything, his eyes were empty and distant.

“Say something. Anything. I…it doesn’t have to be like this. Please, just…” She couldn’t continue when she saw him softly shake his head. “I’m sorry, Teri.”

“I want you out of here” she managed to get out before her knees gave way and she sank to the floor.

His voice filtered into her brain as if from far away and the man that stood in the doorway starring down at her with empty eyes wasn’t her husband of a hundred years.

“I’ll be gone by tomorrow morning.”

He took a deep breath and rubbed his tired eyes before he quietly stepped into her room. He sat down on the edge of her bed, regarding her sleeping face before he softly called her name, reaching for her arm. “Kim.”

She stirred and then slowly opened her eyes.

“Hi” he said and she smiled at him. He tried to answer the smile but he knew it didn’t extent to his eyes.

 “Hi dad.” Stretching she sat up. “What are you doing here? What time is it?”

“It’s still early.” His eyes dropped to his hands involuntarily when he tried to brace himself for the moments to come.

He could feel his daughter’s eyes on his face. “What’s wrong?” she asked, a hint of panic in her voice.

 
He forced himself to look up at her. The tears already were only one blink away but he tried to hold them back. He didn’t want to make things more painful than they already were. When he finally was sure his voice would carry it wasn’t much more than a hoarse whisper.

"I'm moving out, Kim."
"What?" She stared at him with wide eyes that widened even more when his words sank in.
He continued. "I'm sorry, I..."
"You're leaving us?" she asked, her voice trembling.
He couldn't say anything.
"I don't understand, I... What's wrong with you?" she called out and the pain and desperation that her face displayed made him nauseous. She pushed away the covers and tried to get up, tears welling up in her eyes. But he was faster, catching her in his arms.

"Listen to me, Kim" he said in a strangled voice and h knew there where tears in his eyes, too.
"No! You can't! You can't leave us!" She was sobbing now and he pressed her against his chest in a desperate attempt to calm them both.
"Look at me, Kim" he asked.
She furiously shook her head.
He gently tilted up her chin, still holding her close wit his other arm.
"Look at me, sweetheart" he repeated, reaching out and smoothing her hair from her face.
"I'm so sorry, Kim. But I can't stay."
"But I... I don't understand. Don't you love mum anymore?" Before he could say anything in reply she added, panic-stricken: "Does it have anything to do with me?"
He felt himself draw in a shaky breath, tears pooling in his eyes. "God, Kim, no!"
"Then why...?" she sobbed. “I don’t understand.”
"Things haven't been working too well between your mom and me lately."
"She kicked you out?"
He didn't answer quickly enough, the pain still too fresh.
"No, we..." There weren’t any words. How was he even going to try to explain to his daughter what had happened the last night?
"She did, didn't she?"
"Kim..." he tried.
"She needs to destroy everything!"
She wanted to storm out of the room but he moved in between her and the door, reaching out for her shoulders.
"It's not like that, we..."
"So you don't love her then and you want to leave us?"
"No, Kim, I..."
"So it is her fault you're leaving?"
He closed his eyes for a second.
"Sit down with me for a moment" he then asked, patting the bed next to him.
She shook her head. He reached out for her arm and pulled her towards him, onto his lap. They had always sat like that when she was younger. He rested his head against he shoulder and looked up at her.
"Sometimes it's not that simple. I love you so much, both of you, but sometimes that isn't enough. I'm not easy to live with, Kim, you know that. And my job doesn't help either."
"But..." she tried but he silenced her.
"Just listen for a moment. I haven't been there when you both needed me so many times, Kim, and that made it even more difficult for Teri and me. I'm sorry it's come to that but it's not working like that anymore. It's best if I move out."
"No!" There where tears running down Kim's face. "You can't leave, you can't!"
"I have to" he said, his voice thick with emotion.
"I want to go with you"
He looked at her, his eyes breaking and a sob escaping his lips before he could stop it. He tried to control his emotions.
"You can't, Kim, you need to stay with your mom."
"But I want to be with you."
"I'm so sorry, honey."
"But..."
"I don't even know where I'm going to live. I need to find a new place first."
She didn't say a word.
"But I promise you I'll be there when you need me, Kim. Even if I can't be here with you. I'll always just be one phone call away, I want you to know that."
She still didn't say anything.
"I love you so much."
"I love you too, dad" she whispered, biting her lip to stem the flow of tears.
He pulled her into another embrace, pressing her to him as tightly as he dared to.
"I need to go."
"No!" she whispered, tightening her grip around his neck.
He gently pried away her arms and once more smoothed down her hair, his chest aching at the pain and desperation he saw in her eyes.
"I'll call you tonight, okay?"
She just looked at him, her face contorting when fresh tears fell from her eyes. She hid her face in her hand and tried to muffle her sobs.
"I'm so sorry" he whispered, pressing one last kiss to her forehead and getting up.

Without another look back he walked from the room. He closed the door behind himself, pausing for a moment and trying to control his breathing. When he hurt Kim cry behind the door he flinched and moved away from the door. He couldn’t stand there any second longer or he would be storming back into her room, hug her and promise her everything would be alright. But that would be a lie. Angrily he dabbed at the tears still running down his cheeks with the back of his hand. When he rounded the corner Teri stood there.
They stared at each other for a moment.  He knew that he should apologize, that he should take her into his arms, and ask her to forgive him. But like the evening before he couldn’t get his brain to work, the pain in his chest making way for an overwhelming numbness.
"Teri, I..." was everything he managed to say.

She cut him off. "How did she take it?"
He swallowed, his eyes drifting to his feet for a moment.
"Not too well."
She nodded. "That was to expect."
"Teri..."
She shook her head.
"You should leave."
He tried once more to say something but she cut him off again, impatient, irritated.
"Just leave, Jack."
He looked at her for a long moment. Then he felt himself nod like the evening before. He just couldn’t ask her. He couldn’t ask her to give them another try. It wouldn’t be fair. Things wouldn’t be getting easier just because he wanted them to. The man she had married all those years ago wasn’t but a shadow of himself, and what was left of him wasn’t what she deserved. If he left now it would hurt, hurt both of them but maybe there still was time now, maybe she still had a chance to find someone and be happy. To just be happy. Without having to deal with his demons.

Downstairs in the hall he added a few things to the bag he had packed during the night. When he glanced around the room for anything he might need there was a swirl of movement and Kim launched herself into his arms. He automatically reached out to catch her and closed his eyes at the pain that shot through his chest. He wanted to hold her so badly but he wound himself out of her embrace that was choking in its intensity.

Her eyes were red and swollen and she sobbed when she said:
"I don't want you to leave."
He couldn’t but shake his head, fresh tears shooting into his eyes. "I'm sorry, Kim."
He took a step backwards and reached for his bag, producing a wail from his daughter. "No, dad!"
She spun around to where Teri had appeared in the doorway. "Tell him to stay!" she begged.
Teri bit her lip, her eyes flickering over to Jack. "I can't, Kim." Her voice was strangled.
"But... when will you be back?" Kim looked at him, and the innocence of her question made him want to scream in pain. He couldn't say anything.
"You will be back? Will you? Dad?" Her desperate pleas grew louder and louder when he didn’t answer but he couldn't, tears clouding his vision.
"Mom?" Kim turned around.
Teri took a deep breath. "Look, Kim, we'll see. We don't know yet."
"No!" Kim cried out. "No!" And she collapsed into a heap on the floor, hiding her face in her hands.
Instinctively he took a step forwards but Teri's gaze made him stop in his tracks.

Swallowing hard he turned around, opening the door.
"No, dad, DAD!" Kim tried to get up but Teri held her. The last thing he saw were Kim's furious tears and Teri's pained expression and he heard his daughter hiss: "Get off me! I hate you! I HATE YOU!"
He got to his car and managed to start the engine. He managed to back out of the driveway. But as soon as he was out of sight he needed to stop, tears blinding him he allowed his head to sink onto his arms and cried, cried like he never had cried before.