Teri trailed her thumb over the framed picture in her hand and sighed. She and Jack on vacation in France. He’d been stationed in Europe for a while and she and Kim had flown over to visit him. On the picture he looked at her with an expression that made her heart beat faster, it always did, even after all those years. His eyes were soft and tender and he smiled at her. One of those rare, genuine smiles. That told her he had been happy then. They both had been.

Teri bit her lip, dragging her eyes off the picture and putting in back on the shelf while she tried to ignore the uneasy feeling in her chest. Tried to ignore the thought that it had been a long time. A long time since she had seen him smile like that. A long time since they had been happy. She hugged herself tightly and let her eyes wander over to the window that looked out over the garden.

It had been difficult for a long time. And she knew that if she was completely honest with herself she had to admit that it never had been easy. The baby, his military years and the countless special operations. It had been difficult but they both had tried so hard to make it work. It had been difficult but she had always been sure that it was what she wanted. She’d wanted to be with him and she’d known that he felt the same and that had been enough to maneuver them through whatever crisis his profession got them into.

She didn’t remember when this had changed, when she had first thought that something didn’t feel right anymore. But she knew that things had been different between them after his deployment to Europe. She couldn’t have named what had changed. But it had felt different.

He’d always been a little distant when he came back. He’d always needed time to adjust to her presence at first. There was the firm hug when he got back, the quick kiss, he’d tell her how much he’d missed them, how much he had missed her. And then he’d need some time. He wouldn’t talk much, sleep a lot, workout a lot, and reclaim the kitchen as his territory. But he would be back. He’d be there, solid and real and he always cared. Even if he needed time to adjust, needed his space and needed to be alone now and then he’d always be attentive and searching her presence. He’d touch her whenever he had the chance, would hold her, he’d be tender. And passionate. They always had great sex when he came back.

It had been like that when he had come back from Europe, too. He’d needed his time, a little more maybe but everything had been as it always had. And yet it hadn’t, something had changed. He’d been more distant, had started to spend more time on his own. At first she almost hadn’t noticed. He’d been gone for quite a while and he tried his best to adjust to their rhythm and fit in. He’d put an effort into spending time with Kim, into talking to her. They got along much better than she and Kim did and though she was happy for him there sometimes was a sting in her chest, something she couldn’t quite define. Maybe some sort of jealousy. They could spend hours crouched over their chess game, their faces showing the identical concentrated frown, they could spend hours talking and listening to music and Kim always talked to him first when there was a problem. Sometimes when she watched both of them in front of the TV, watching another one of the countless scary movies both kept bringing home, Kim curled into his side, hiding her face behind his shoulder whenever a scene was too scary, when she watched his amused expression, watched him press a kiss to the back of their daughter’s head, heard him murmur something unintelligible into her ear, soothing, she felt alone. Left out. And she envied them. For the bond they had.

It had always been like that. Jack had had that special relationship with her. Something his permanent absence brought with it. He wouldn’t be there to set the rules, even if he always supported her in her decisions regarding Kim. He wouldn’t be there to fight through the smaller and bigger dramas everyday life caused. It would always be something special when he came home. She knew he did his best to support her. And she wanted him to spend as much time with Kim as possible but after Europe she felt as if he was hiding from her, spending time with Kim when she needed him to be with her.

They didn’t always sleep in the same room. They never had. Sometimes when he came home he needed to be alone. And there where his nightmares, too. Sometimes when they became too frequent he’d prefer to sleep downstairs in his study. She didn’t like that. She wanted to be there for him when he needed her but had come to accept the fact that he wanted to deal with this alone.

But he’d always checked on her when he came home after a long day of work. He’d peek into Kim’s room, watch her sleep for a moment and the tenderness that settled into his features then was the same that his eyes had displayed when he’d held their daughter in his arms for the first time. She couldn’t get enough of that look, it always made her love him even more.

But though he hadn't stopped checking om Kim he had stopped coming in to her when he came back late. He’d started to sleep on the couch in his study more than he had used to before and when he slept next to her she often wouldn’t find him there when she woke up the next morning.

She had tried to talk to him but it had been difficult for her to name what troubled her and he’d kissed her and said the mission had been difficult and he simply needed more time. Maybe she should have asked him how much more time. Maybe she should have told him how empty their bed felt without him. Maybe it would have changed things.

When she woke up he wasn’t there. His side of the bed was cold. She sighed and got up, rubbing her eyes. A quick glance at her watch told her it wasn’t six yet. Barefooted she padded downstairs, grabbing her cardigan on her way out of the bedroom and pulling it over her pyjamas as she went.

He wasn’t in the kitchen and a look through the window told her that his car was still there. When she peeked into his study she found him fully dressed and in the process of putting on his combat boots. She felt a frown creep onto her face.

“Where’re you going?” she asked. And wondered when they had stopped saying “Good morning”.

He hadn’t heard her come downstairs and looked up in surprise. His expression was difficult to read and he instantly bent back down to tie his boots.

“They need me to come in today.”

She nodded and tried to ignore the feeling of helplessness that washed over her. After watching him in silence for a moment she asked:

“Were you planning to tell me?” It sounded more like an accusation than she had intended to.

He cast her a quick glance, getting up and reaching for his jacket.

“I left you a message. I didn’t want to wake you” he said, not meeting her eyes.

“You didn’t have a problem with that ever before. You never left without saying goodbye.”

He didn’t say anything, checking his pockets and his bag for whatever item of gear he still was missing. Swallowing down the tears she felt well up behind her eyes she forced herself to stay and say what she initially had come down for:

“You know, I was hoping you’d come back upstairs with me.”

He still didn’t look at her but she could see the pained expression on his face.

“Jack?” she asked, hearing her voice shake with emotion.