Traces in the sand

jack/chase: Promises Worth Keeping

2009-11-15T00:00:50Z

And this one I wrote for the Pornbattle at IJ (asylums.insanejournal.com/porn_battle/). And forgot all about it, too...
NC-17. Prompt was "delicate".

He really can’t tell how he’s gotten there, everything has been going fast. One moment they’ve been talking, just talking (sure, the tension has been there all evening) and the next moment he is being pressed up against the kitchen counter with Jack standing between his legs, his tongue chasing his own in a kiss that effectively shuts up the tiny voice of reason in the back of his head.
He doesn’t care that he shouldn’t even be there in the first place, he doesn’t care that the erection pressing against his own is his boss’s and he really doesn’t care that he has woken up that morning to find his naked body entangled with the just as naked body of that very boss’s daughter.
All he can think of is Jack kissing him like he’s never been kissed before, his hands roaming over his chest and sending shivers down his spine that alternate with waves of heat when Jack brings their hips in closer contact.

And the last remains of coherent thought are gone when Jack pulls out of the kiss and looks at him with an unbelievably sexy smirk, his eyes hazy with lust. He leans forward and slowly licks his way up his partner’s neck to his earlobe which he pulls between his teeth, biting down carefully enough not be breaking the skin but thoroughly enough to make Chase dizzy.

“You now, I’d really like to fuck you” Jack’s breath is hot against his ear and his low voice sends a flash of heat to his groin. Yet he doesn’t know what to reply and feels the blood rush to his cheeks when he finds himself stammering, in a mixture of embarrassment and confusion and barely containable desire. “I haven’t…” He swallows not able to actually say the words, not now, and he feels himself break into a sweat.

Jack’s lips seek their way from his ear to his mouth and he nips at his lip to get him to meet his gaze.

“You haven’t been with a man before” Jack says, agonizingly slow trailing his hands down his chest and towards his navel, his nails raking his skin.

He licks his suddenly dry lips and there is an almost undetectable shake of his head. “No.” His eyes dart away from Jack’s.
But Jack lifts up his hand and runs it over his cheek and gently turns his head back so that blue once more meets green.
He looks at him steadily for a long moment, the only sound their racing hearts and the sharp little breaths that witness of the tension between them and tickle the other man’s skin. Jack’s expression has softened but the raw need is still there, clear, unmasked, unreined.

“Don’t worry. Let me take the lead. And I’m sure we’ll find something to do for those long delicate fingers of yours.”
His hand slides around Chase’s hip, cupping one of his cheeks and pulling him closer, at the same time once more capturing his lips with his in a kiss almost bruising in its ferocity. When he pulls back their breathing is laboured.

“But I’m not going to lie to” Jack pulls him even closer, grinding his erection against him.
“It’s going to hurt. So the question is: Does the thought turn you on of my dick up your ass, stretching you, moving inside of you?"

Chase closes his eyes for a moment and tries to control his breathing. He’s too far gone to worry about pain. Or consequences. All he sees is the picture of Jack sliding into him and he nods, vigorously.
“It does.” His voice is hoarse.

"You sure?" Jack sinks his eyes into Chase’s.

He nods again.

“Good.” Jack presses his lips to his in a quick, hard kiss. “Come on."

He pulls Chase towards him and starts unbuttoning his shirt while he maneuvers them to his bedroom. He stops in front of the bed and admiringly lets his eyes sweep over Chase’s now naked chest. Slowly trailing his fingers down his chest he lets them slide over the front of his trousers, too tight now, and cups him through the fabric, causing Chase to moan.
He smirks and starts unbuttoning his trousers: “I promise I’ll make it worth the pain.”

jack/chase: Crossing the Line

2009-11-14T23:25:43Z

I wrote this back in January for the pornbattle. No idea why I never posted it on my journal.
It's a loose follow-up to Bad Girl (which actually is Jack/ Chloe/ Chase- consider yourself warned :) )
NC-17 and of course, I don't own them. Prompt was "chance meeting".

“You look as if you could use some advice!”

Jack’s head snaps up and the pair of eyes he stares into are the green eyes of Chase Edmunds.
Jack groans.
“Go away, this is just going to be embarrassing” he sighs, staring at the brightly colored little package in his hand.
It’s too late to hide it.

Chase grins: “Why, you don’t wanna have me as backup when you’re purchasing a… um… ”Screaming O Ringo Cock Ring” in the manly color of pink?”

Jack glares at him: “I didn’t invent the name. And for you information, I’m looking for a birthday present for Tony.”

Chase bites his lips to prevent himself from chuckling and Jack’s glare intensifies.

“What?” he hisses.

“Nothing. I just didn’t think you were that kind of guy.” Chase shrugs with an easy grin.

“What kind of guy?” Jack asks impatiently.

“Well, the kind of guy that gives his best friend a cock ring for his birthday.”

“Well, heads up, I’m exactly that kind of guy.”

“So why don’t you buy it then?”

Jack frowns: “Because I’m actually not sure if Tony is that kind of guy.”

He looks at Chase, and the smile that creeps onto his face extends to Chase’s features.
Jack’s eyes drift back to the little box.
“And I don’t know, I mean, how you’re supposed to know worth a damn anyway? Maybe it’s just silicone stuff in a stupid color.”

“Well, I guess, you could always buy one and try it, if you want to be sure it’s worth giving away as a present” Chase says quietly.

Jack stares at the pink little ring, holding his breath, his mind going completely blank for a second while he wonders if he’s just heard what he thinks he has heard.
Slowly he rises his eyes to look at Chase. His cheeks are just a tiny little bit flushed and he steadily meets Jack’s gaze.
And there is this look in his eyes, the look Jack has seen before, in the back seat of that SUV that afternoon a couple of weeks ago, the look that makes him ask: “And you would be offering your help with that task?”

It’s Chase’s turn to hold his breath and when he lets it out his eyes dart to his feet for a moment, one hand coming up to scratch the back of his neck. When he meets Jack’s eyes once more there is a smug little smile playing around his lips: “Yeah, I think I am.”
The corner of Jack’s mouth curl upwards just a little bit and they just stare at each other for a moment, trying to deal with the tension between them.

“So” Chase asks, “any plans for tonight?”

Jack shrugs. “Nothing I couldn’t postpone.”

“8 o’clock, your place?”

Chase runs a hand over his face, trying to come to terms with his nervousness. Then he knocks, his hand trembling slightly.
When Jack opens the door they look at each other for a moment, needing time to adjust to the new territory.

“Hi” Chase offers, his voice a little raspy.

“Hi” Jack echoes and steps aside to let Chase inside. He closes the door behind them and they’re standing in the short hallway, both lost, an awkward note to their silence and Chase wishes he had brought a jacket he could hang somewhere. He looks at Jack for support and both break into a grin. Jack lets out a heartfelt sigh. And Chase says: “And you thought the store was embarrassing.”

Jack slowly shakes his head. “I don’t know, Chase, maybe…”
His voice trails off.

“It’s always awkward at first.” He takes a step towards Jack. “And you know just how well we work” he adds, his voice low, sending a shiver up Jack’s spine.

“It was different. Chloe was…”

Chase takes another step towards him, their bodies only inches apart now. He looks down into Jack’s eyes and whispers: “We don’t need Chloe for this.”

He places a steady hand against Jack’s chest, feeling his heart race under his palm.
“And I plan to do things with you I’d never dream of doing with Chloe around.”

Jack stares at him, breathless. Then there is the tiniest of nods, indicating him to continue.
“Just let me take the lead” Chase whispers and slides his hand upwards to the back of Jack’s head, threading his fingers into his hair.
“You okay with that?”
He doesn’t wait for an answer but tilts Jack’s head back just a little and captures Jack’s lips with his own.
And he doesn't need an answer to be able to tell that Jack is okay with it. More than okay.
He welcomes him readily, hungrily, answering the pressure and his hands fly up to grab Chase’s face and pull him closer, his tongue nudging against his lips, demanding entrance. He tastes like he has tasted that afternoon in the SUV and with the taste the images return and Chase softly moans into Jack’s mouth. Jack pulls back, staring at him for a second, already breathless, his pants already too tight and when he sees his need mirrored in the green eyes looking at him he knows there is no going back now, they already have crossed the line.
And he knows that he is going to enjoy himself.

jack/tony: At the End of the Day (#15 Death)

2009-11-11T12:19:40Z

Prompt # 15 Death
Disclaimer: I don't own them.
Summary: Day 7. Jack looks back upon the journey at the end of the road.

He didn't realize they were friends until Tony appeared on his doorstep with a six-pack of beer and a nervous smile when he turned 35 and only had the memories of his late wife to accompany him and the empty room his daughter had left behind when she’d fled her parent’s house.

He didn't realize they were more than friends until Tony without a word turned off the lights and shut him up with a kiss bruising his lips and leaving him dizzy.

He didn't realize they were lovers until he awoke at the hospital after his heart attack and looked into Tony's eyes, clouded with worry and red from crying.

He didn't realize that it had come to mean everything until the day Tony stood there in front of him and couldn’t meet his eyes when he told him that he would marry her.

He didn't realize how much it really would hurt until he saw him walk her to the altar, so obviously happy, before everything disappeared behind a curtain of tears.

He didn’t dare to picture what might happen in Mexico and when the Salazars stripped the last parts of his humanity off him and turned him into their accomplice the only way to survive for him was to let the heroin cushion the blows.

He didn’t think he’d be able to hurt like that ever again but when Tony turned still in his arms he wanted the world to end.

He didn't expect to ever see daylight again, or o use his vocal cords for anything else than yelling out in pain until they dragged him up, emptied five buckets of freezing cold water over him, scrubbed off the worst of the dirt, tended to his wounds and put him on a plane to the country that once had been his home country.

He didn’t want to allow the faint spark of hope in his chest to gain strength, didn’t want to believe that this might be over at last but when they asked him to sacrifice his life he realized that he had.

He didn’t plan to ever again set his feet back on American soil and Carl still was like he had been then, what he had wanted years ago before there suddenly had been a child he had to think about and the beautiful girl that was her mother, but before they’d really had a chance he was gone, too, blown to smithereens.

He didn’t realize that he’d never ceased to hope deep down in some well buried part of his heart until the picture loaded and the once well-known features materialized on the screen.

He had not expected to ever be able to feel that alive again.

He could not have imagined that love could turn into hate in the course of minutes, not even with his background and he stood there in complete surprise as his heart shattered to pieces.

He didn’t really expect to feel better afterwards but when his knuckles connected with Tony’s skull he was surprised by the sudden wave of nausea, was surprised that every blow only made him feel worse.

He didn’t want to believe what he heard, refused to acknowledge what he saw and wondered where it all had gone that wrong, the dark eyes that he'd loved that much once still the same and yet beyond reach, so far beyond sanity yet mirroring his pain exactly so when they wheeled him off to die he caught himself wondering who of them actually was the one who had taken the wrong turn.

He didn’t want anyone to be with him, it didn’t matter anymore and when she nodded and closed the door, he looked around the room in silence, breathing in the disinfectant and taking in the shining surfaces.

He would never have imagined the end would come like that, clean, without pain, in bed and a small smile turned up his lips.

He had always thought there would be a rush of thoughts, a struggle of his mind, the refusal to accept what was happening and he was astonished to discover that everything he could think of where those dark eyes, that the most important thought was that he should be here with him so that they could travel the last part of the road together and that it wasn’t fair that he got to take the shortcut alone. “So sorry for leaving you” he whispered before he closed his eyes and slowly started counting until the amount of benzodiazepines accumulating in his blood faded the world into light.

jack/tony: Firsts (#17 Together)

2009-11-05T21:34:19Z

R rated. Oh, and I don't own these two..

"You sure?" Tony felt his heart beat accelerate and he looked up at him from the little bottle of lube that Jack wordlessly had pressed into his hand.

Jack sank his eyes into Tony’s and nodded, slowly trailing his fingers over Tony’s abdomen before his hand travelled further down to wrap around his erect member.

Tony took a deep breath, a shiver of anticipation chasing down the length of his spine and causing his cock to twitch in Jack’s hand. “Okay” he said quietly and dropped a quick kiss onto Jack’s shoulder. Then he reached for the bottle to coat his fingers.

Tony’s gentle preparations left Jack straining and shivering with lust in his arms. Without interrupting the movement of his fingers inside of Jack he leaned forward nipped at his earlobe to get his attention.

“I think that’s as much preparation as there can be” he said, once more brushing against Jack’s prostate, a move that drew a moan from Jack’s lips and caused him to push back onto Tony’s fingers.

“Just fuck me, Tony” he said, his voice hoarse with lust.

Tony suppressed a violent shiver and tried to calm down at least a bit. The thought alone of sliding into Jack any minute now almost made him come all over himself like a teenager. Closing his eyes for a moment he searched his mind for an utterly boring thought to distract him but his attempts were undermined by Jack flicking his tongue over the top of his cock before he rolled a condom onto him.

When he opened his eyes he found Jack looking up at him with eyes dark with desire, his legs spread wide to make room for him. At that sight presenting itself to him Tony felt half of his blood rush into his cock, the other half into his face leaving him rock hard and dizzy. Slowly he moved between Jack’s legs.

“Tell me if I hurt you” he said.

Jack smiled, spreading his legs further still to accommodate him. “You know I won’t” he said matter-of-factly.

“Yeah” Tony admitted, “But I thought it would be nice of me to ask anyway.”

He placed himself at Jack’s entrance that his fingers had stretched as much as possible and yet not enough, he knew from experience. When he slowly started pushing into Jack he dug his nails into his leg and bit down onto his ear lobe hard enough to draw blood in an attempt to distract him.

Jack drew in a sharp breath, his body growing rigid under Tony.

“Easy” Tony whispered. “Just keep breathing.”

He paused to give Jack the chance to adapt to his size despite his urge to slam forward, the hot tightness enveloping him turning him on beyond belief.

“Keep moving” Jack groaned, grinding his teeth when Tony hesitantly did so.

“We don’t need to go the whole way today” he suggested.

“Course we do” Jack growled, firmly gripping Tony’s hips and thrusting up towards him causing himself to yell out in pain and Tony to see stars as he slid all the way into Jack.

“Keep moving, Tony, please” he repeated and hissed when Tony did so.

Tony almost slid all the way out before pushing back inside, lifting up Jack’s hips to gain better access yet and burry himself up to the hilt, slamming his head against Jack’s prostate and making him buck under him.

A strangled moan escaped Jack’s lips and his head fell back onto the pillow before he suddenly convulsed and stilled and Tony felt the familiar warmth on his stomach. The feeling of Jack tightening his muscles around him and the sight of his ecstasy almost were enough to send him flying over the edge and after a few fierce thrusts he followed Jack, collapsing on top on him.

When his surroundings slowly moved back into focus and the buzzing in his ears subsided he found himself on his back, Jack next to him, slick with sweat and breathing heavily.

“You okay?” Tony panted, turning to look at him.

Jack nodded. “Yeah.”

He took a deep breath and pushed himself up into a sitting position

“I’ll be back in a moment” he said, getting up. Tony didn’t miss that he winced slightly.

“Jack” Tony said softly and reached for his trousers on the floor to retrieve a small tube that he tossed over to him. “It’s a local anaesthetic. Takes the sting away.”

Jack just nodded and disappeared into the bathroom.

When he returned Tony sat on the edge of the bed and scratched the back of his head, his eyes following the trail of clothes on the floor in search of his boxers. Jack stood there and regarded him in silence for a moment and when Tony became aware of his presence and turned around he found Jack staring at him, looking half frightened, half embarrassed, his cheeks flushed and his fingers nervously rubbing against each other out of own accord. Before Tony could ask if everything was alright Jack asked breathlessly:

“Do you want to stay the night?”

Tony’s stomach did a somersault, his face automatically stretching into a smile and without the slightest trace of hesitance he said: “I’d love to.”

jack/chase: Unforgivable (#18 Regret)

2009-11-01T23:50:09Z

Softly he knocked on her door. There was no answer.

“Kim?” he asked quietly.

The room was silent for another moment before he heard her clear her throat:
“I want to be alone now.”

He needed all his strength to respect her wish and not to storm in to her to see for himself if she was okay.
“Don’t you want to eat anything?”

“No, dad, please, I just…” Her sentence trailed off when the tears came back.

Looking at the door that she’d closed on him hours ago he let the huge wave of helplessness envelope him once more. He bit down onto his lips and swallowed down his advice, his concern. His love.

And his regret, he thought, bitter, while the recollection made his cheeks burn with guilt and anger. Who was he to be standing there? The gutless little hypocrite that he was, the miserable drug addict who pretended to be a father who cared.

Turning on his heels he made his way back to the kitchen. With a little too much force he put down the tray causing the soup to spill over. He sighed and stared at the bright array of food. He’d put a lot of effort into making it look nice. There was the steaming bowl of carrot-soup and her favorite chocolate ice-cream. And tea and orange juice and cookies and an apple.

Whom was he trying to fool? As if any of this could help with mending what had been broken. It was pathetic, really. As if piling calories onto a plate could serve as an act of atonement.
Weary he brought a hand up to his face and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. How on earth was he ever going to meet her eyes again?

When she had turned up on his doorstep the night before, red and puffy eyed, his heart had stopped for a second while his eyes frantically scanned her for injuries, his chest constricted in fear before her face had crumpled and she had dissolved into a burst of tears. With a feeling strangely bordering on relief he’d lifted her up and carried her to the couch, running his hand over her back in soothing circles and waiting for her tears to subside- a set of movements not practiced for a very long time and yet unforgotten, a ritual as old as their history.

Then she had said it. The words that drained all blood from his face, he was sure.

Chase had broken off with her. Chase.

Pictures flashed up in front of his inner eye, pictures of a parking lot in the small hours of the morning, of green eyes challenging him, begging him, of nimble hands causing his brain to dissolve into a pool of heat.

He couldn’t but stare at her, thus inducing a fresh flood of tears.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before” his daughter sobbed, his beautiful little girl, she was the last one that should apologize.
Her words made his heart heavier yet and he quickly interrupted her:

“Shh, Kim, it doesn’t matter now. I’m so sorry.”

I’m so sorry I fucked him.

jack/chase: Lessons (#05 Strong)

2009-10-24T15:36:22Z

Title: Lessons
Words: 650
Rating: G
Summary: Chase has been part of a traumatic operation and Jack offers his help

He heard him enter the room but couldn’t bring himself to look up.
He really could have used some more minutes on his own before he returned to the busy buzz of the main floor.

Rubbing his hand over his tired eyes he took a deep breath and tried to push away the thoughts that threatened to overwhelm him. In vain. The pain was just as intense and the images that seemed to have burned himself into his retinas refused to fade.

He felt the other man lower himself onto the bench next to him. But still he couldn’t look up. He wasn’t ready. And he wasn’t sure if he ever would be.

Jack just sat there next to him in silence for a while and the seconds seemed to stretch into small eternities. Chase kept his eyes glued to his hands, unsure of what to expect and of what was expected of him.

When Jack finally ventured to speak his voice was soft.
“How are you?”

The genuine concern almost brought tears into Chase’s eyes again.
Of course. Whom had he been trying to fool?
Of course he knew. He had been there before, probably as many times as all of the other members of the field team together.

He bit his lip, searching for the right words.
"Frankly, I don't know. I just, I don't feel anything right now" he finally admitted.

"It's the shock" Jack said quietly.

Chase felt himself nod. “Yeah. It probably is.”

He still stared down onto his hands, not yet ready to meet Jack’s eyes but he knew Jack was looking at him now, he could literally feel his gaze on the side of his face.

"I want you to go home."

He felt his head snap up and immediately his defences kicked in. He could hear his protest before he even had had the time to process Jack’s words: "No, I..."

But Jack just shook his head, his blue eyes locking into his own.
“Go home, Chase” he repeated quietly and it almost sounded like a plea.
“Carter can help me with the rest.”

“But I…”

“I know, believe me.”
Jack’s eyes never left his and Chase wondered if he’d ever seen him that open, that sincere.
“It’s tempting to just keep going, to keep yourself busy up to the point of complete exhaustion.
It seems to be easier. But that’s a fallacy. You need to find a way to deal with these things.
It’s going to hurt if you face all of your feelings now, make no mistake, but hopefully this won’t come back and hunt you later then.”

Like these things hunt him, Chase thought but couldn’t say anything in reply, his eyes darting back to his hands as the tears that all the time only had been one blink away finally crept into his eyes.

“I know that it can be very difficult to put these things into words but call if you want to talk about it” Jack offered in a very quiet voice and Chase had to bite down harder onto his lip to prevent the tears from falling.
It wasn’t even that he thought Jack would mind. But he wasn’t ready. Not now, not yet. If he let go for a second now that would be it, he’d simply collapse in a sobbing heap.

“I mean it. I don’t expect you to deal with this alone. I’ll be on my cell. It’s up to you if you want to call."

Chase nodded. "Thank you." His voice was hoarse.

Jack reached out and lightly squeezed his shoulder before getting up.

“And you might want to go see Dr. Anderson before you leave and get something to help you sleep. Just in case."

He didn’t wait for an answer, none was necessary.

When the door closed behind him Chase let the tears fall.

jack/chloe: The Sweet Oblivion Of Alcohol (4/4)

2009-10-23T22:37:01Z

For jr_jackgrl Finally finished :) The previous parts can be found through the "jack/chloe fic" tag in the navigation strip to the left. Shouldn't be too long down the list.

When Chloe stumbled into her kitchen around ten in the morning she found an utterly groggy looking Jack there.
Despite the throbbing headache that made her wonder if she’d collided with something big the night before she smiled: “You look exactly like I’m feeling.”
He grimaced, clinging to his glass of water as if for dear life:
”And a very pleasant morning to you, too.”
Chloe grinned: “Well, after we’ve looked each other into the blood-shot eye I’d say we skip the courtesies. Painkiller?” She reached into a cupboard.
Jack shook his head, carefully, so he wouldn’t make things worse: “No. If I can drink I have to deal with the hangover too. Without my little pharmaceutical friends.”
Chloe poured herself a water to go with the pills. “Brave, but nothing for me.”
He shrugged, smiled lopsidedly and pushed himself up into a standing position.
“Actually I think I’m going home.”
“You don’t want to drive, do you?”
He shook his head, regretting it immediately as his vision blurred considerably. “Course not. I’m going to walk.”
“That’s going to take half an eternity.”
“Yeah, that’s the point. Maybe the world’s gonna stop spinning on the way.”
“Call me in that case. I’ll have to try that too, then.”
Jack smiled. “I promise. I’ll come get the car later.”
“Do that. I won’t be going anywhere.”
“Okay. Thanks for yesterday. I’ve got the vague impression that it was a great evening though…”
He trailed off.
“Though you don’t remember much of it” she finished his sentence.
He colored slightly. “I have to admit I don’t. I hope I didn’t embarrass myself.”
“Oh no, apart from puking on the carpet…”
His quickly reddening cheeks caused her to laugh.
“No, I’m just kidding. To be honest, I don’t remember much either.”
Jack sighed. “So we’re even then, I guess.”
Chloe smiled. “Yeah. Walk carefully.”
He grinned. “I will. Sleep tight.”
“Ay, Sir.”
He smiled at her warmly and leaned in to press a kiss to her cheek. “Bye, Chlo.”
“Bye.”

She watched him walk over the lawn, her cheek still glowing from his quick kiss. Damn it. She sighed and shook her head. She needed to get over this. It was starting to get ridiculous. She couldn’t spend the rest of her life trying to get Jack’s attention on a non-platonic level. And yet, that other night, when he had been drunk… He’d sounded that serious then. Maybe… Stop it, she told herself. It’s not going to lead anywhere. He’d been drunk, he probably hadn’t even realized what he was saying. She was lucky to have him as a friend. Period.

She sighed again and slowly made her way back towards her bedroom, taking a bottle of water with her. It was all about the degree of dilution, really. And right, she should make room for the water, too.
The toilet seat was up and she briefly wondered if Jack had been too drunk to sit down or if any of them had used the toilet as a deposit for the surplus alcohol before she chased the thought away and sat down. Her surroundings were still swaying slightly and she tried to focus on the sink to make them stop. It wasn’t the easiest task so far as it constantly slipped out of focus. When she finally managed she discovered that there was a slight bulge to the edge of the sink that definitely didn’t belong there. On somewhat unsteady legs she got up to investigate the matter. Frowning she looked at the formerly see-through latex object that sported a neat little knot- for containment reasons, there was no doubt about that.
When her brain went back online Chloe’s legs began to tremble that violently that she sank down onto the floor. Oh no. God. No. That couldn’t- they surely hadn’t- they- oh god- they had.
Pictures of the previous night popped up and filtered through the alcoholic haze. Jack’s strong arms wrapped around her, his hands cupping her breasts, holding her hips as he- Chloe felt the blood rush to her cheeks. Great god. How on earth was she supposed ever to talk to him again?

“Edmunds?”
“Chase!” She almost yelled into the receiver.
“Chlo, what’s the matter?”
She took a deep breath.
“I think I slept with Jack!” The panic was clear in her voice. The line went silent.
“Chase?”
“You what? What do you mean by you think you slept with Jack?” he groaned. “Hang on for a second.” There was the sound of a car door being opened and closed and a few short commands before Chase returned.
“Listen, I’m really sorry but we’re about to close in on a suspect, I can’t talk to you now.”
He could hear Chloe swallow down her disappointment. “Okay.”
“I’ll call you as soon as we’re finished, okay? Just remember to breathe. And promise you won’t do anything stupid. Like hiding in your closet.”
He could imagine the huge scowl that her face probably displayed upon that comment.
“Chlo?” he asked tentatively.
“Yeah?” How did that woman manage to squeeze that much misery into one syllable?
“You’re smart and you’re sexy and you’re funny and just generally awesome and if Jack doesn’t finally choose to acknowledge every single one of those facts he’s not worth a second thought.”
“Thanks.”
“A thousand times over, Chloe, until you see it, too. But now I really need to go. I’ll call you later.”

There was a knock on the door. Sighing in relief she got up from the couch. Finally! She’d been waiting hours for Chase to call back. All she wanted was to curl up and into his side and hide from the world until she dozed off. Wrapping her blanket more tightly around herself she went to open the door. But not the expected green eyes greeted her but two very blue ones, two very tense looking ones. She involuntarily held her breath at the sight.
For a moment he just looked at her, a strange expression ghosting over his features. Then he attempted to smile but got stuck somewhere on the way and at any other moment she would have laughed but for now it just told her that he had remembered, too, and she could just stare at him, frozen to the spot, while she furiously tried to get her brain to do something. Do anything. She felt her cheeks redden and her heart beat was as loud in her ears that she was sure he could hear it, too.

“How are you feeling?” His voice was as gentle and private as she knew it, the voice he used when it only was the two of them and it almost brought the tears to her eyes. Surely he’d use that voice, too, when he told her that it was a mistake, that he was really sorry, but-
“Chlo? You’re alright?”
She snapped out of her thoughts. “Yeah, I- I’m fine.”
He nodded slowly, watching her expression closely.
“Good. Listen, can I come in for a moment?”
She nodded, trying her best to hide her horror. She definitely didn’t want him to come in. She just wanted him to leave so she could hide in her closet. Or under her bed, so Chase wouldn’t find her. As he took a step forward she quickly retreated to avoid any form of contact.
“There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
Of course. There we go.
“If it’s about last night…” she began, hesitantly.
"It is." He looked at her directly, his blue eyes trying to catch hers but she dropped her gaze.
"It's okay, you don't... I mean, we were drunk, it was great sex, we should have known better. And that's about it. Let's just move on. No hard feelings." She could feel her face color violently and stared at her feet, not capable of seeing him nod, of seeing his relief. She swallowed to hold back the tears that were looming behind her eyes. There was not a sound to be heard from Jack so she finally forced herself to lift her eyes. She found him staring at her, flushed. He just stood there for a moment before he slowly nodded, his eyes fluttering away.
“If that’s what you think about it-” His voice was hoarse. He turned and took a step towards the door.
Chloe just stared at him, completely stunned. Her heart skipped several beats and she opened her mouth to call him back but her vocal cords refused to be of service.
At the door he stopped, his hand already on the door handle. He hesitated a moment and very quietly he asked without turning back around: “And what if I can’t just move on?”
"What do you mean?" she asked breathlessly.
He slowly turned around then, his expression pained.
"Isn't that obvious?" he asked in a low voice.
She shook her head and a small sad smile flitted over his face. For a long moment he just stood there and looked at her before he took a step towards her and gently touched her cheek with his palm.
“How am I supposed to do that? I can’t just move on.”
Chloe stared at him, her expression puzzled. There was a hint of panic in her voice when she confessed in a small voice: “I-I still don’t understand.”
He slowly shook his head, the sad little smile returning, his chest aching with how much he felt for her. Carefully he pulled back his hand.
“This wasn’t just-“ He took a deep breath. “I’ve been having feelings for you in a long time.”
“You’ve-?!” She took a step backwards, her hand shooting up to cover her mouth. With wide eyes she stared at him, obviously shocked. At the sight the remains of his hope came tumbling down and for a second he wondered if he was having another heart attack, the pain that shot through his chest almost as violent as it had been then.
He couldn’t look at her for another second. "Don't worry, I'll find a way to deal with it. It really shouldn’t be your problem.” He turned around without another look but before he reached the door she called him back. When he turned around she stood there, blushing like mad, clearly embarrassed and fidgeting. Of course, he thought, and would have had to suppress smile under any other circumstances.
"Well, I- it’s- I just-- Same here."
When he didn't say anything and just looked at her she rolled her eyes and added, mumbling: "I've been having feelings for you, too."
He stared at her. "You've...?"
She nodded, blushing even more, and took a step towards him as he stood there, rooted to the spot. Then another step. And another one when he still didn’t move. When they were only inches apart she took a deep breath before leaning closer and pressing her lips to his. He then snapped out of his paralysis and wrapped his arms round her and she could feel him smile against her lips.
"You really do?" he asked.
She nodded, smiling at him. "And now you need to shut up, I want proof that you're just as good a kisser when you're sober."
He grinned at her and pulled her closer, sealing his lips to hers.
When he finally pulled back they were both out of breath.
He smirked. "So, what do you think?"
She smiled. "Even better when the world isn’t spinning."
"Same here" he chuckled. “Same here.”

jack/chloe: His terms

2009-10-22T10:26:05Z

For msgills prompt "best friends". Hope you enjoy!

She knew he needed his time. She knew he'd talk when he was ready. And yet.
For the tenth time she only got his voice mail.
"Hi. It's me, Chloe. Call if you need me."
She knew he'd call back, finally. But that knowledge didn't make her worry less.

She was at the door in the blink of an eye, her heartrate speading up alarmingly.
In a haste she opened, the tension that had spread through her whole body fading a bit when she found him standing there, unharmed, at least at first glance.
She sighed in relief and closed her eyes for a second.
"I'm sorry" he said, his voice hoarse "I..." He looked like hell, his eyes red and swollen.
She just shook her head and opened her arms and he walked into her embrace without hesitation.

He looked so lost as he sat there on the couch, his gaze hollow and distant that it made her heart ache. She walked over to him and tugged him to his feet.
"Come on. You need to get some rest."
He didn't even try to protest, his whole body screaming of his fatigue.
She led him to her bedroom and indicated for him to lie down.
"Chloe, I..."
But once more she just shook her head, her eyes searching his, all gentle reassurance.
"Trust me."
He looked at her for a long moment before nodding almost invisibly and walking around the bed. Stepping out of his jeans he crawled under the sheets.

She turned off the lights and he lay there for a moment, breathless, before he felt her arms wrap around him and she placed a soft kiss to his temple, pulling him close and holding him tight.
The tears came back then. He tried to fight them at first, but when she just continued holding him, her hands running up and down his arms and back he found he couldn't.
She didn't say a word, offered comfort without judging, comfort on his terms.
When she felt his tears subside her lips once more sought his temple. "I'll be right here."

Books 2009

2009-10-19T21:29:15Z

I'm going to continue the list of the books I read that I started last year. If anyone is interested in any of the books, just leave me a message and I'll tell you what I think about them.

12 / 30 books. 37% done

1. Alessandro Baricco: Silk*** (Seide)
2. Janina David: A Square of Sky**** (Ein Stück Himmel)
3. Torbjörn Flykt: Underdog***
4. Märchen Deutscher Dichter (ausgewählt von Elisabeth Borchers)*/***
5. Jill Bolte Taylor: My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey ***
6. Anna Jansson: Dreams out of Snow (Drömmar ur snö)**
7. Khaled Hosseini: The Kite Runner****
8. Ian McEwan: Black Dogs (Schwarze Hunde)**
9. Christoph Hein: Der fremde Freund***
10. Doris Lessing: The Grass is Singing (Afrikanische Tragödie)***
11. Anna Seghers: Jans muss sterben***
12. Salman Rushdie: Midnight's Children (Midnattsbarnen)- I think I just didn't get it...

***** one of the best books I've ever read
**** great book
*** worth reading
** okay
* doesn't hurt, doesn't help
''' wtf?

jack/chase: What I Need You To Know (#19 Hope)

2009-08-07T18:36:29Z

Words: 1830
Rating: NC-17
Prompt: Hope
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: I don't own them.

He had been restless and irritable all day. And he should have gone home hours ago. He needed to get out of CTU, needed to clear his mind, needed to clear his mind, needed to clear his mind, needed to run, needed to run until the accumulating lactate made him nauseous, needed to run until there were stars dancing in front of his eyes, needed to…

“Jack.” He hadn’t heard Tony come into his office but now he was perched on the edge of his desk. Damn it. He needed to focus.

“What?” he practically barked.

Tony just looked at him, that look to his eyes that meant he wasn’t willing to discuss anything about what he was going to say. Yet his tone was surprisingly soft:

“It’s been a long day. Why don’t you go home?”

Jack could feel the anger boil up inside his chest, the anger he had fought to contain all day. He took a deep breath and suppressed the urge to slam his fist into the table and tell Tony to mind his own business. Instead he simply nodded. Tony just looked at him for another moment, then nodded as well and got up, leaving without another word.

They were long beyond the point where they’d press the other for answers, having learned the hard way that often there weren’t any. Or none they wanted to hear about.

He’d spent the better part of two hours working out as hard as to make his muscles scream in protest and hadn’t been home very long when the doorbell rang. His water bottle in tow he went to answer the door, the muscles in his thighs pleasantly aching with every step he took.

Chase’s green eyes looked back at him, slightly narrowed, an expression to them that made the hairs at the base of Jack’s neck stand upright.
"You did a hell of a job to piss me off today" he said, his voice low, too low, a telltale sign of his barely suppressed annoyance.
Jack stared at him for a moment, doing his best to keep his face impassive. He really didn’t need that confrontation right now.

"And now you're seeking revenge?" he asked coolly, feeling the anger that had accompanied him all day flaring up again. Without another word he turned and walked back inside, leaving it up to Chase to choose whether to stay or leave.

He could hear Chase sigh behind him and knew he'd chosen to stay and it annoyed him and pleased him at the same time. While part of him just wanted to get rid of that little bastard another part really wanted to get laid. It had been a while. And letting Chase fuck him senseless never failed to quieten his thoughts.

He stopped at the kitchen to get a water refill and when he looked up Chase was leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“So, are you going to tell me?” he asked.

“Tell you what?” Jack snapped back.

Chase looked at him for a moment without saying anything, his gaze piercing in its intensity.
"What's bothering you" he then said, his voice considerably softer.

Jack just stared at him, his expression unyielding, took a sip of water and walked past his partner into the living room.
"Nothing" he said, without as much as looking at Chase. While he knew that hurting Chase would make him leave sooner or later he wasn't up to actually watch his words inflict pain. Not today. He just-

"Right. So why have you been acting like an asshole all day?" The annoyance was back to Chase’s voice and it caused Jack to spin around.
"I'm your boss, I don't need to explain myself to you." He regretted the words as soon as they had left his mouth but he couldn't back down, not now. Things needed to end once and for all.
Chase stared at him for a second and although he fought to maintain a calm expression Jack could see just how much the words had hurt him. Chase swallowed, then nodded slowly.

"You're right. You don't need to explain yourself." And running a hand through his short cropped hair he added: "What was I even thinking, to come over here.”

They looked at each other for a long moment, the silence heavy between them, and Jack struggled to keep his face straight. This wasn’t what he’d wanted.

Chase nodded again, his jaws firmly clenched together and turned to leave but stopped after a couple of steps. He didn’t turn back around to face Jack and his voice was soft and low and hit Jack right in the stomach when he said:
"You know, the thing is, you don't need to explain yourself as my boss. But this is not what this is about. The problem is that this whole thing is starting to get personal. Am I right?"
Jack swallowed down hard, then snorted despite his constricting throat:
"You don't know what you're talking about." His voice was rough and trembling slightly and he cursed himself for loosing control like that.
Chase turned around and there was the tiniest hint of a smile around his lips, wry and tender and sad at the same time.
"Believe me, I do. Because it's the same for me. I don't like to see you putting your ass in danger either."
Jack stared at him, his thoughts spiralling away at top speed, but caught himself in time and forced the words out against the lump in his throat:
"You'll just have to learn to deal with it."
Chase nodded. "I know. As you'll have. And getting mad at me maybe isn't the best way."
"Look, Chase, you're a good kid but..." he tried but Chase shook his head.
"Just admit it scares you." His green eyes locked with Jack’s, calm, determined, without a trace of hesitation and Jack felt his pulse accelerate, felt the familiar wave of desire wash over him, and with the desire came the panic, the panic that had coiled into a tight knot in his stomach after that morning's field operation, and he lashed in a despearte attempt to ptrotect himself, his voice cold and hard, and his eyes, too, at least he hoped so:
"You should go now."

Chase didn't move a muscle, his eyes still firmly fixed on Jack, studiying him: "It's not going to go away because you're ignoring it."
"Just leave, Chase." He could hear his own desperation and that only increased his panic.

Chase looked at him for another long moment, his gaze a mixture of regret and annoyance and pain, as raw that it hurt Jack to see it. then he nodded briefly and turned towards the door. Instead of the relief he'd been hoping for Jack felt the surge of panic increase and involuntarily held his breath for a moment before suddenly his tongue loosened and his heart spilled over and he didn’t care about the implications, didn’t care about exposing himself like that, didn’t care about the fact that he shouldn’t be standing here with Chase to begin with, that he at least should have broken it off long ago, long before-

"When we lost communication I thought..." His voice was raspy and slightly too loud in the tense silence the room had fallen into after Jack’s last words. He swallowed, casting his eyes to the ground for a moment in a futile attempt to keep his composure. When he looked back up Chase had turned around, his expression as open as it hadn’t been all evening.
"I thought you were dead" he confessed, his voice strangled, that mornings events crashing down onto him, the pain as vivid as it had been then, the panic still there, gripping his heart tightly. He tried to swallow down the lump in his throat, in vain, and then Chase was in his arms, his kiss bruising in its intensity and Jack grabbed two hands full of his clothes and dragged him close, clinging to him like a drowning man. Chase hands instantly were everywhere, roaming over his body, impatiently tugging at his shirt and Jack pulled back slightly, panting heavily.

"I've been working out. I probably don't smell very nice" he breathed into Chase's neck.

Chase halted for a second but only to glare at him.

"Do you really think I care?” he grumbled. “Strip already!"

Jack grinned and yanked the shirt over his head and immediately Chase's lips were on his chest, sucking and licking the way downwards. At his navel they paused and he could feel Chase smirk against his skin at his impatient groan. "Bedroom?" he heard his lover ask huskily and dragged him up into a standing position, sealing his lips to his and maneuvering him backwards, in the direction of the bedroom while getting rid of his clothes.

The foreplay was more of a wrestling match, both fighting for position, holding the other one close and grinding against each other in a tangle of limbs and bed sheets.

When Chase pushed past his defences with one of his fingers Jack bit onto his lip until he tasted blood to prevent himself from coming all over himself. Too soon, much too soon. He wanted to feel Chase inside himself, wanting to feel him pound into him, wanted to-

Then Chase added a second finger to the game and he groaned in pleasure, pushing back onto Chase’s fingers to increase the friction, turning onto his stomach but Chase reached for him, his grip firm but gentle and turned him back so he lay on his back. Leaning forwards he caught Jack’s earlobe between his teeth, his fingers never stilling inside of Jack.

“I want to look at you” he whispered and Jack just felt himself nod, spreading his legs for his lover and then Chase was between his legs, pushing inside and the pain made him dizzy for a moment but he really was too far gone to care and his hip arched up to meet Chase’s thrusts.

It was over in no time, Chase driving into him with fierce thrusts, not able to maintain control any longer, reaching for Jack’s cock to stroke him and when he came with a strangled cry of relief Jack followed him seconds after, spilling into Chase’s hand.

Chase collapsed into his arms, panting, his whole body slick with sweat and Jack just held him close for a moment, closing his eyes and giving into the strong feeling of relief that spread through his body. With a sigh Chase finally rolled off him and onto his back, his breath slowing down gradually. After a moment he turned to look a Jack, a content smile playing around his lips that Jack mirrored easily. They looked at each other for a long moment without saying a word before Chase promised what he’d needed him to promise for a while but never had dared to admit: “I’ll be careful, Jack.”

_____________________________
Did you like it? Please leave a comment!
My jack/chase prompt table for fanfic50 can be can be found here

Vig/Bean: Off The Beaten Track

2009-08-07T11:33:18Z

Written for stormatdusk at the VigBean Fic Exchange over at wordsontongue . There's a collection of amazing fics which I only can recommend warmly.
This is a RPF story, made up to the last little word, but if you've got any problems with reading RPF... just don't :)

Rating: G
Beta: Wonderful Sarah who yet has to register an account
Requested were: angst and a happy ending
Prompts or general moods: spiral, paper cut, smoking
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and every little detail is made up.

(1) Elvish wisdom & Tea

"Do you mind if I sit down?"

Viggo snaps out of his thoughts and looks up to find Orlando smiling at him, holding out a Styrofoam cup with steaming hot tea.

"Not at all" he smiles, and handing him the cup the younger man gingerly lowers himself onto the log next to him, all elvish grace, Viggo notes with a smirk.

"You okay?" Orlando asks, his eyes as always startling in their light blue intensity, Legolas' eyes until he removes the colored contacts at the end of the day.

"I hate it when you're eyes aren't your eyes." Viggo sighs not able to push the thought away. Whenever he has those blue eyes directed upon him he has the feeling that all the sometimes somewhat labyrinthine paths of his thoughts are on display.

But apparently they aren't because Orlando raises one inquiring eyebrow, trying to trace back Viggo's line of thought.

"The contacts." Viggo offers.

"Right. They won't be there at the pub tonight."

Viggo smiles at him. "Good. You were saying?"

"I was just wondering if you're okay. You've been keeping a lot to yourself today."

Viggo sighs. Perceptive as only an elf would be. He reaches out to give Orlando's shoulder an affectionate squeeze, nodding.

"I'm fine. Just- I don't know- melancholic might be the expression I'm looking for." He shrugs and takes a sip of his tea.

"I'd say brooding," Orlando says, a small smile chasing over his clean shaven face to make way for a more serious expression, his blue eyes thoroughly scanning Viggo. He furrows his brow, and slightly cocks his head to the side, obviously trying to work up the courage to ask something.

"Yes, you may ask whatever you want to" Viggo says with a smile, "and if there's an answer to your question you'll get that, too."

Orlando bites his lip, searching for the right words.

"Why don't you just tell him?" he then asks, quietly.

Viggo looks at him for a moment before his eyes move straight over to where Sean is sitting in the sun next to Ian at the other side of the clearing, chatting animatedly.

Perceptive, he thinks, so very perceptive, briefly wondering when he's stopped being able to hide things from Orlando. Then he softly shakes his head and says "I can't," not even bothering to try and pretend that he doesn't know what Orlando is talking about.

His eyes still resting on Sean's back he hears Orlando ask: "Why not?"

"I just can't."

"What are you afraid of?" Orlando asks.

Viggo drags his eyes off Sean and turns back towards the elf.

"That's not what this is about."

"Then what is this about? Why can't you just tell him? He likes you, he's not going to slap you for telling him."

Viggo smiles warmly at his insistence.

"I know. But he's in the middle of divorce. I don't want to make things more complicated for him than they already are."

"But how can you know that he's not-"

Viggo interrupts him. "He knows," he says quietly.

Orlando holds his breath for a second. "So you did talk about it?"

Viggo shakes his head, a small wistful smile ruffling Aragon's beard.

"But then how do you...?"

"I just know, Orlando, I saw it in his eyes. He knows. And that's why I'm not going to talk to him about it. It has to be on his terms. He isn't ready."

Orlando sighs. "But how can you possibly know if he's ever going to want to talk about it? It's affecting you. You're restless and gloomy and sitting around all by yourself, brooding. How long do you want to wait?"

Viggo shrugs, his eyes once more darting over to Sean.

"As long as I'll have to, I guess."

Peter calls for them and Orlando quickly drains his cup. Placing a hand on Viggo's arm he says: "Don't do this to yourself, Vig. You can't wait forever, Arwen might be immortal, you aren't. Talk to him before he leaves for England and find out if there's something that's worth waiting for. It'll make you sleep more peacefully. Either way."

(2) Doorsteps & Promises

It isn't more than the shadow of a feeling. He's trying to trace it back to its origins during the better part of the evening but isn't coming to a conclusion. It's there, stirring, unsettling him slightly and he doesn't know what to do about it. Maybe it's Orlando talking. He shouldn't let him be his advisor, he's too young, too inexperienced. Too daring maybe in his complete neglect of the unwritten rules of the world surrounding him, overly trustful in his unbridled enthusiasm.

Viggo sighs. Sean. Sean. Sean. With every breath, every other thought every waking minute.

He looks at his friend, there's a smile playing around his lips, and suddenly he feels overpowered by the urge of pressing his lips to those lips, those lips he's been staring at for weeks. Maybe Orlando is right. He needs to know. Even if it's selfish. He can't go on like this, can't be without seeing that man on a daily basis without knowing if there is a chance that he's coming back. Not to Middle Earth, he definitely will, but if he might be coming back to him. He needs to know if he's chasing a ghost.

It's late and the evening seems to have vanished in the blink of an eye, they always do with Sean, easy, comfortable, flowing freely. Sean's laughter reverberates in his chest and sends a shiver up his spine and he smiles and takes a sip of his wine and just enjoys what feels like the last day of summer, the last evening they have together before he's gone. It's been a mutual agreement, they didn't even have to talk about it. Dinner and their usual bottle of wine. Or two, like today. The taste of the herbs of the pasta Sean's made is mingling with the velvet of the wine that smells of sun and distant shores and he's watching the reflections of the fire in Sean's eyes and drinks in Sean's presence.

It's late and Sean's still there and they are still talking, and he, too, seems to be wanting to prolong their time together, seems unwilling to part.

But then, finally, it's time, there's no way past it and Sean gets up and yawns and Viggo follows him to the door, his heart heavy, his steps light on the wooden floor. The black air of the night is pleasantly cool against his face and he takes a deep breath, filling his lungs with the taste of the mountains of Middle Earth. Sean lingers at the door, leaning against the frame, and both look out into the sparkling immenseness above them, silent for a moment, both lost in thought before they start bantering back and forth again, still not ready to leave and let leave.

And then Viggo voices what he's been wanting to say the whole evening, that he can't imagine not to be spending half of his evenings like this, with Sean, and Sean smiles and agrees, his voice soft and his eyes never leaving Viggo's. That's when he's lost. There's no further thought. The impulse is too strong and he's tired of suppressing it. He closes the short distance between them and kisses Sean, his lips immediately finding what they've been looking for despite the semi-darkness. Sean doesn't move a millimetre, but his lips respond to the soft pressure applied to them, Viggo can't tell if it's a mere reflex and suddenly it feels very wrong to be kissing Sean, suddenly he's very aware that he's invading Sean's personal space and he pulls back quickly. His heart races in his chest, his thoughts are swirling, making him dizzy.

He shouldn't have.

He doesn't quite dare to look into Sean's eyes, too afraid of what he might see there and is almost thankful that there isn't more light, light to illuminate his mistake.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-I-"

He swallows to make his voice stop shaking.

"I see you in three weeks. Take care."

The soft click of the door roars through the empty house, and then it's silent and he feels his chest constrict painfully. Trembling he rests his head against the door and tries to grab one of the thoughts speeding through his brain. Not a sound is to be heard apart from the blood drumming in his ears and he wonders if the world has just stopped existing. He waits, forcing himself to take a couple of deep breaths. The other side of the door's silent, waiting as well.

"You're still standing there, aren't you?" he asks through the wood.

"Yeah." Sean's voice is muffled and he can't say if it's anger or confusion or joy or a mixture of all of it he's hearing. He takes another deep breath and flicks on the lights before slowly opening the door, clinging to it as if for dear life. He needs to see, even if it's going to hurt. Sean needs to see, too.

When blue meets green he almost flinches at Sean's expression.

He's looking at Sean. At Sean himself. Probably for the first time ever. All the different layers of protection are gone, the curtains behind the skilful actor hides himself from the eyes of the world, and it's Sean in his essence, and that almost takes his breath away.

They look at each other for a long moment, too agitated to talk. Sean finally ventures to speak:

"I'm sorry, Vig, I-"

His voice trails off and he looks pained and Viggo wonders if he's going to yell out in pain any second, Sean's words slicing into his heart like paper cuts, his chest constricting further and his surroundings starting to spin.

"You don't have to apologize" he says quickly. "I shouldn't have-"

Sean shakes his head. "Of course you should."

Viggo's mind turns blank like a virginal arch of paper and he can't but stare at him.

"I've been acting like a teenage girl these past weeks" Sean says, "tiptoeing around you, avoiding the conversation we should have had weeks ago. Leaving you completely in the dark."

He sincerely wishes he could say anything in reply but his brain seems to have serious compliance issues.

"I'm sorry for acting like that, it's- I-"

He stops and sighs and his eyes move to his feet for a second before they find Viggo's again.

His voice is hoarse with emotion when he continues:

"I just don't know what I'm feeling, Vig. And the divorce isn't helping either, I guess."

"You don't have to apologize, I-" he says feebly and is thankful for Sean's interruption because he isn't sure if there are more words, his mind feels numb and it's difficult to string together the thoughts.

"But I want to. I want to apologize. Geez, I-"

He sighs again and looks at Viggo for a long moment, a range of different emotions flitting over his face. Then he says quietly:

"You've come to mean so much to me." And with a lopsided smile he adds:

"And it really sucks that I have to go back to England tomorrow, of all days."

He pauses, his eyes sinking into Viggo's before they drift off for a second, then return and he scratches the side of his face while he searches for the right words.

"It's just that... I just don't know, Vig. I don't know if being away for a while will change things. I mean, maybe I just need a little more time and I'll know where I'm standing when I get back. But maybe I'm just not ready yet for something new. Maybe it's too early."

He pauses again, biting his lip. Viggo's stomach has curled into a tight knot and he is sure he's never going to be able to eat again. Ever. Not as much as a walnut. Behind his eyes he can feel tears pool up. Not now. Now isn't the time. Sean's voice is trembling when he continues.

"I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell you something else than that I just don't know. And that I don't know if I ever will know. You've already been so very patient and- I- the last thing I want is to hurt you."

"It's not your fault" Viggo said softly, fighting to contain the tears.

"In a way it is. I don't want you to hurt because of me."

He stops and looks at Viggo and there are tears in his eyes, too, or maybe it's the light, just the light that's reflected, Viggo thinks.

"I don't want you to wait for something that's probably not going to happen."

Viggo tries to fight the desperation that washes over him and threatens to throw him off balance.

"Tell me one thing" he asks, his voice almost a whisper. Upon Sean's asking gaze he adds:

"Don't you want me to wait so I won't get hurt or don't you want me to wait?"

Sean is silent for a moment and he can see him quarrel with himself.

His voice is almost inaudible when he says:

"Maybe it's just easier to draw a line here, a final one and just be friends."

"Don't you want me to wait?" Viggo repeats, trying to fight the panic that stretches out its claws after him.

"I want you to wait. But I can't possibly..." he says, but Viggo interrupts him:

"If you want us to just be friends I'll find a way. But not because it's easier."

Sean casts down his eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"Don't" Viggo says, gently touching his shoulder.

"Don't apologize. I know what you mean. And I'm so sorry for my terrible timing, you've already enough things going on with the divorce and everything and I-"

He takes a deep breath and looks Sean straight in the eyes.

"I don't want to push any pressure on you- but if there is a chance that you'll know when you get back I'll wait."

There definitely are tears in his eyes now and his voice is thick with emotion when he says: "Vig, I don't know if I..."

Viggo can feel himself nod. "I know, you don't have to be. We can always just be friends if you don't."

Sean looks at him, blinking away the tears and then there suddenly is a smile erupting from the corner of his eyes and spreading through his beard to hug his lips.

"We'll talk when you get back here, okay?"

Sean nods. "I'll give you a call when I know when I'll be back. But don't tell the hobbits."

"I won't" Viggo promises, feeling his lips stretch into a smile as well.

They look at each other for a long moment, trying to adjust to the new angle.

"I should probably get going. My flight's at 6:30 and-"

"You haven't packed a sock" Viggo finishes for him.

Sean's face mirrors his. "Indeed I have not."

"So, then this is goodbye."

"It is. Watch out for the hobbit. And the elf."

"I will."

"So- I see you in three weeks."

Viggo nods. "Yeah. Take care."

"You, too."

They're looking at each other for another long moment before Sean steps closer and wraps his arms around Viggo, hugging him tightly. "Thanks" Viggo hears him mumble into his hair.

(3) The other side of the world

The hours are turning into days, every second a little eternity and he hasn't heard as much as a word. The skies have swallowed him whole it seems. Hope has made way for the sting of insecurity, his certainty fading with every day that passes. He can't sleep and wanders through the empty house at night, the moonlight illuminating the table with Sean's glass on it where he's left it, waiting for him to return. Leaving it there makes it easier to hope.

He's been lying. Or not exactly lying. But he's seemed so strong during that conversation, stable. As if he could wait. But it's eating at him. He misses Sean, misses his smile, misses his presence during the shots and the uncertainty drives him crazy. He wants to call him, several times to just hear his voice, if just for a second, he needs to know he's still there, still caring. But he doesn't because he feels is not his place. Sean's with his family- or what's left of it this time and he doesn't want to intrude, doesn't want to put pressure on him.

But at night he can't sleep and then at the pub there's too many beers, the hobbits definitely are a bad influence, and she's sitting next to him, blonde locks and that smile that's like a sunrise in the mountains, and it's nice and he's enjoying himself for the first time in weeks. And then they are walking over the dark parking lot to her car and her lips capture his and her hands tangle in his hair and he just let's himself float for a moment, his tongue welcoming hers before his brain kicks back in and he pulls back: "I'm sorry, I- there's-"

He takes a deep breath, his eyes finding hers. "My heart's not free."

There's a smile playing around her lips, soft, promising and there's a sparkle in her eyes.

"It doesn't have to be, my king, mine is neither."

And she's so close and it's too much for him too handle, the alcohol fogging his brain and before he can do anything about it his hands are caressing her cheeks and all those weeks of restraint crash down onto him and he seals his lips over hers and pushes away the thoughts that are thousands of miles away in Europe.

(4) London calling

The connection is bad and he sounds continents away. Well, he is.

"Hi, it's me." It's enough to make his heart beat accelerate as if he's sprinted up a flight of stairs.

"S'it still raining?"

He smiles. "It's a pity there are no submarines in Middle Earth."

He can hear Sean chuckle softly. "The horses wouldn't like that" he says.

"They probably wouldn't. How are you?"

He can literally hear him shrug.

"I guess I'll live." And after a short pause he adds: "It's not pretty."

"I'm sorry."

Sean sighs. "Yeah. So am I. But it's great to see the girls. What about you?"

"I'm drenched, most of the time."

Sean's laughter makes Viggo's toes curl and he says softly:

"It's different without you. You're missing here."

The line goes quiet. Viggo bites his lip.

"Actually, I-"

Viggo feels himself hold his breath and he closes his eyes.

There's a loud bang and then there are footsteps and a "Daaa-aaad, I'm hooo-oome!" and he can hear Sean swear softly.

"Damn it, I- I'm sorry, Vig, I need to go- I-"

"It's okay."

"No, it isn't, but-" There's a pause and a deep breath is being taken in Europe.

"I just called to hear your voice."

He turns away from the receiver.

"Hi sweetheart."

"Hi dad. Who's on the phone?"

"A friend from New Zealand" Sean answers.

"Is he going to dine with us?"

He can see Sean's smile.

"Not today. Listen, why don't you go change and I'll be downstairs in a second?"

"Okay," he hears he say before she scampers off.

"Vig? You still there?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. She sounds sweet."

"She is. But she'll be back every second. I'll be back on Thursday or Friday, I'll let you know when I've made reservations."

"That'd be great."

"Well- have a pleasant week."

"You, too. Take care."

When the line goes dead he sits down, the conversation crashing down on him. He should be happy. He's been waiting for that phone call for a fortnight. His heart should be dancing. But it isn't. Blonde locks are interfering with his joy. He's broken his promise.

(5) There and back again

When he returns to his trailer to part with Aragon for the day Sean's there as if he belongs there, a newspaper spread across his lap. When he looks up his expression is unreadable for a second and Viggo feels as if he won't be able to walk across the room, let alone wait without fidgeting until his make-up and wig are removed. Or talk.

But then there's a smile lighting Sean's face and his own face mirrors it instantly.

"My king" Sean says, slightly bowing his head.

"Lord Boromir" Viggo answers with a smile. "You're back earlier."

"The winds were fortunate" Sean grins and Lucy just rolls her eyes at them.

"You're nuts. And now sit down before you decide to make a run for it in your costume."

The sun is setting when they emerge from the trailer. Sean's eyes find his and he needs to force himself to meet his gaze. "Can we talk?" Sean asks softly and again he can't breathe. But manages to nod. And adds: "I don't think I can drive."

His voice is hoarse. Sean eyes him closely for a second, then nods and holds out his hand for the keys.

They drive in silence, the car not being the adequate surrounding for a conversation. Viggo is too wound up to make small talk. There'll be time for that the next day.

The house is cool and smells of the flowers Viggo has cut that morning. He walks into the living room, Sean behind him and when he turns Sean's standing a step too close and both hold their breaths for a second. Then Sean takes an audible breath, an apologetic smile around his lips: "I didn't think it would be this hard, I-"

He pauses and looks at Viggo before continuing. "I'm sorry, Vig" he whispers and Viggo feels as if he's been hit in the face with a plank. He casts down his eyes, trying to hold back the tears. Then there are two gentle fingers lifting his chin up, a thumb brushing over the distinctive cleft in his skin. When his eyes meet Sean's once more there are tears weighing down his lashes. One is falling and trickling down his cheek.

"I'm so sorry I've kept you waiting that long."

Sean's voice is soft but firm and Viggo blinks once, twice, not daring to believe but when he sees tears in Sean's eyes, too and the little smile that tugs at the corners of his mouth he feels his lips twist into a smile as well, the tears falling freely at the same time. Sean leans in and brushes his lips over his cheeks and eyes, soft, featherlike and when Viggo turns up his face their lips meet. Carefully, gentle, probing and Sean's eyes circle around him and pull him close, and Viggo can taste the salt on his lips as well and then there's Sean's tongue nudging his lips apart and every coherent thought is a distant memory.

There's a knock on the door and Viggo doesn't care, nothing else matters than these lips and these hands and that man but Sean pulls back and rests his forehead against Viggo's, smiling and brushing some stray strands of hair behind his ears. Viggo groans. "Just ignore it."

But Sean shakes his head. "I don't want four hobbits to be storming through your flowerbeds and cheering us on through the window."

Viggo sighs. "You may have a point there."

Blonde locks and that smile, that smile that has never hurt as much before.

"Hi." She steps closer and places her lips on his in a quick kiss, slightly too long to be just friendly and Viggo can't pull back, his body refusing to move. He feels Sean's eyes burn into his back and just wants to cry out in pain.

"I thought maybe you'd want to dine with me?" she asks with a smile, unaware of the damage done and holds up a bag of groceries.

Finally he finds his voice and moves to the side, so she can look past him to where Sean's standing.

"Sean's back" is all he manages to say.

Her smile widens and she steps past him into the hallway and again he can't move, can't turn around, can't see the pain in Sean's eyes.

"Hi Sean, it's good to see you" he hears her say.

"You, too." His voice is calm, too calm.

"How was your flight?"

"A nightmare" Sean sighs and Viggo mentally whacks himself for not being as considerate. Of course.

"Do you have any plans I'm interrupting?" she asks and Viggo turns around. Their eyes meet and for split second Sean let's his guard slip and Viggo's stomach turns at the pain his eyes display but then the mask is firmly back in place and he turns to Miranda with a smile

"No. I was just on my way home. It's been a long day. He's all yours. You two have a nice evening."

Then he steps past Viggo and Viggo doesn't want anything more than to reach out for him, to wrap him into his arms and explain. Explain that she's not what matters.

There's no expression whatsoever in Sean's eyes when he looks at him. "I'll see you."

Then there's only his back as he walks away over the lawn and Viggo notices he didn't know shoulders could cry.

(6) Hurt

He emerges from the trailer to get his sword that he's left in the car and walks headfirst into Sean. Their eyes meet for a moment and the crystal clear mirror image of his own pain in the features he loves so much takes his breath away. Then Sean just steps aside and is gone without as much as a second look and Viggo wonders if it's going to be like this, just looks, looks that hurt like hits, just pain and no words. No words at all.

Orlando crouches down next to him when he adjusts his shoes.

"What happened?" he asks, clearly worried.

Viggo swallows, impatiently tearing at a knot that doesn't want to come apart before Orlando gently swats away his hands and unties it swiftly.

"What happened, Vig?" he repeats. "You look as if you haven't slept at all. Not in a good way, though."

"I messed it up" he says through gritted tears.

"What? How?" Orlando's voice is pure astonishment.

"I betrayed his trust."

"I don't understand."

Viggo looks up and into the elf's blue eyes. "I broke a promise I made. An important one."

"Then go make it right."

Viggo got up, brushing the dust off his trousers.

"I can't. Some things just can't be made right."

He reaches for the reins of the horse patiently waiting next to him and is in the saddle the next second, leaving Orlando's brow furrowed in concern.

It isn't getting better. It's getting worse. Sean's looking like as if he's not doing very well at sleeping either but does a hell of a job in avoiding him. Whenever someone yells 'cut' he's already on his way in another direction or joking with the hobbits or in conversation with Ian or John, and Viggo just stands there, disappointment and anger and frustration coloring his cheeks, and there barely is as much as a glance shared.

Finally he leaves a note at his mirror.

-Can we talk?-

When he returns to his trailer in the evening there's one waiting for him in return.

–There's nothing to talk about. You're a grown man, you do whatever you want.-

He walks over to his door and waits there in the dark, evening after evening, never managing to bring up the courage to knock. He has no right. He's had his chance and he's blown it and it's not fair to try and force Sean to listen to him.

(7) Gone

They're drenched and dirty and Viggo's cold to the bone and so tired he can't see straight anymore and Peter finally calls it a day and they walk back to where the choppers already are waiting, rotor blades cutting through the thick curtain of rain. Sean's two steps ahead of him, Andy at his side, both as tired as he is, he can see it in their slumping shoulders. All of them have stopped trying to dodge the rain hours ago and it's drumming upon their heads and running into their collars. He stares at the broad shoulders in front of him and wonders if he shouldn't give it another try. But he's too tired and it's just going to hurt even more and it's probably more than he can deal with today.

They walk over to the chopper at their left and Viggo isn't too sorry that it's already packed. He climbs into the second chopper and gratefully accepts the towel a dripping wet Ian hands him. The doors are slammed shut and he closes his eyes for a second. Then the chopper lifts, swaying in the wind and automatically his thoughts are with Sean again and he half wishes he was in the other chopper with him. If he wouldn't be able to calm him his presence might unsettle him as much that he'd be distracted he thinks, bitter.

His eyes follow the other chopper through the raging sky, it has lifted off before them and is already farther down the mountain side. He sees it sway violently and his heart skips a beat and then there's another heavy gust of wind and it goes into tailspin, its circles getting smaller and smaller, the wind angrier with the second, tossing it around like a ball. And then the green tree tops of the steep hilltop swallow it and it's gone. He can't but stare out of the window, his thoughts spiraling out of control. At the border of his conscious he hears their pilot call for his colleague. "Zealand Star- come in--- Zealand Star- can you here me? Ted?" But there's just the static and the sound of the rain and wind and the panic in the pilot's voice when he starts all over, calling into the roar of the unleashed sky around them. They are loosing height now and Viggo tries to keep his eyes fixed on the spot where the chopper has vanished but everything is zooming in and out of focus and the contours are blurring when he suddenly feels Ian's hand on his shoulder, almost bruising in it's intensity and then he sees what Ian has seen: A thin line of smoke emerging between the three tops, engaging in a short battle with the rain before it vanishes. The pilot's voice wavers and then falls silent and the trees lie still as if nothing has disturbed them.

(8) Done waiting

He's cold and tired and every muscle in his body is sore and all he cares for is a hot shower, a glass of brandy and his bed.

The faces around them were ashen when the emerged from the chopper of the air rescue services and where Peter's embrace almost had choked him John's almost had caused multiple rib fractures, to judge from the pain at least. He was dizzy and felt drained and it hasn't been easy to convince the doctor to let him go home. Finally she's agreed though, yet telling him she didn't like it. In his hand she's placed a couple of mild sedatives. To help him sleep. He's become that used to sleep eluding him that he's almost asked if she doesn't have anything to dull the constant pain in his chest. But there are no pills against heartache, he knows from experience.

He walks over to the parking lot where David ushers him into his car. He doesn't have it in him to ask where Viggo is, it doesn't matter anyway, not anymore. He sighs, watching the rain cascade down the windshield. Maybe the sedatives aren't too bad an idea after all.

David hasn't said a word since they have left he notices through the fog of tiredness enveloping his brain and when he looks at him there are tears in his eyes. Sean has to swallow down the lump in his throat before he says: "We're all fine, David."

David nods and swallows, his eyes firmly fixed on the road.

"I know. But it'll take a few hours until the shock wears off."

Yeah, Sean thinks, probably not just a few hours. Briefly he wonders if there are ships going from New Zealand to London on a regular basis and if he would have to share them with apples and sheep before his eyes drift shut

A flock of shaken looking hobbits and a disheveled elf are waiting for him in their trailer, and involuntarily his eyes scan the room for Viggo, in vain, and then there's another round of hugs, and he can't look into their eyes, there are too many tears and the shock's still too fresh, it's not going to take much to reduce him to a sobbing bundle and he'd prefer if he was alone when that happens. Gratefully he accepts a huge mug Orlando hands him, a mug of something hot with something alcoholic inside and lets himself be pushed onto the couch. A blanket is being wrapped around his shoulders and Elijah is plastered to his side, almost in his lap actually, and any other day he would bother and move him but for now he doesn't care. It would be slightly comforting, actually if the kid didn't look that scared.

The silence is hanging heavy above their heads before Dom finally tries to ease the tension:

"We thought we'd have one hell of a dead Boromir to shoot with" he says.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you" Sean answers without a second thought, thankful for the opportunity to make clear that he's fine and that it's okay to joke about it.

"If you absolutely need me dead to improve you're acting performance you'll have to kill me yourself" he says, winking at Dom who snorts in mock indignance.

"I take it your strange sense of humour wasn't damaged in the crash" he mutters.

"Sorry to disappoint you in that respect, too."

The faces around them are gradually brightening and even Elijah is sporting something similar to a smile. There's a mischievous twinkle in Billy's eyes and he nudges Dom with his elbow.

"Oh, stuff it, you're just pissed off that Sean's now the one with the real near-death experience, your splinter is a fleabite compared to that."

They all start laughing, even Dom and the tension is being lifted a good part of the way when Karl opens the door and steps into the room, his expression grave. He shrugs out of his dripping jacket and searches Sean's eyes. He nods, a tiny smile appearing around his lips and for Sean there are no more words necessary.

He settles down next to Billy who immediately asks:

"Have you heard anything from Viggo?"

Karl shakes his head. "No. Peter says they're going to send out a search party if he's not back within two hours."

"What about Viggo?" Sean asks, his breath hitching in his throat. Karl and Orlando share a quick look, clearly uncomfortable.

"He's---" Orlando starts hesitantly but Elijah blurts out:

"He was all pale and silent and then he just stormed off into the rain."

"Yeah" Dom adds. "It was-spooky. He was completely-"

A stern look from Orlando causes him to stop.

"What?" he asks "Why can't I-"

"Just because, Dom, shut up" Karl sighs. Orlando looks up at Sean, his eyes darker than usually.

"Thing is, he probably doesn't know yet that you guys are okay" he says, quietly.

Sean's head starts swimming. The room vanishes for a second before zooming back in, but somewhat distorted. But something else is missing and then he realises, everything's silent, his friends' mouths are moving but he's not hearing anything, his blood drumming in his ears, his heart pounding in his chest, and the panic that hits him with full force makes him feel nauseated and he breaks into a slight sweat. His mind is racing but he can't form a clear thought and then there's a gentle pressure on his arm and he manages to force the room back into focus and finds Orlando's eyes still fixed upon him.

"You okay?" he hears him ask, and he nods, relieved.

Everybody looks uncomfortable again, the concern and worry creeping back into the room. It's not a good day for Middle earth.

"Do you want us to leave?" Elijah asks. "You look terrible. Maybe you just want to try and sleep" he adds with a small smile.

Sean feels himself nod. "Yeah, maybe that's a good idea."

They say their goodnights and troop out through the door. "I'll call if I hear anything" Karl says and he and Orlando both nod. "Thanks" he hears Orlando say. Then the door closes and it's just the two of them left.

"What happened?" he asks, almost breathless, his voice hoarse.

Orlando shakes his head. "He was-I don't know. He seemed-I've never seen anything like that before. He didn't say a word. He just looked- hollow, I guess. And in the commotion he was gone before anyone noticed. Aragon gear and everything. Apparently just walked out into the rain."

Sean nods and sighs, suddenly feeling twice as tired. If that's even possible. When he looks up into Orlando's eyes he sees an almost panicky expression spreading there, now unchecked as his friends are gone.

"You're worried" Sean says quietly.

Orlando bites his lip. "Yeah. I know, it sounds silly-but you didn't see his expression-he-you mean so much to him. I just-"

He swallows and casts down his eyes and Sean, too, can feel the contained tears starting to surface but he wills them away. He swallows down a snarky comment about just how much Viggo cares about him apparently and tries to pull himself together. Tears aren't what Orlando can handle right now. He brings up his last ounces of willpower and strength and reaches out for Orlando's shoulder.

"Don't worry, I'm sure he's fine" he says, as confident as he can.

"But what if-"

Sean shakes his head. "He's grieving. That's terrible because there's no reason but he probably just needs time. The rain and the night will drive him back home sooner or later."

Orlando doesn't look as if he's convinced but at least he's a little calmer now. He sighs.

"Maybe we'd better try and get some sleep."

Sean nods. "Yeah. Or try to at least."

There's a sympathetic little smile on Orlando's face and he nods. "Just tell me if you need anything. Even if it's just company to sit through a sleepless night" he offers.

"Thanks, Orlando. I really appreciate it."

Orlando winks at him, grinning. "Hey, no need to get all warm and fuzzy, Bean. Don't get used to it, it's just because you almost died."

Sean nods, smiling. "Alright, understood."

There are hasty footsteps on the gravel and then the door's being shoved open and Viggo is standing there, panting, dripping wet, his hair plastered to his head, eyes wild. He quickly scans the room, freezing when his eyes fall on Sean. Closing his eyes for a moment he exhales shakily, his shoulders slumping.

Sean has risen from his seat, his eyes glued to Viggo and Orlando somehow manages to pull an elvish stunt and disappears without making a sound.

When Viggo opens his eyes they just stare at each other for a long moment, both trying to exert something that resembles control over their feelings. Viggo's eyes are burning into his while he tries to convince himself that what he seeing is true, that Sean's unharmed and Sean can feel the tears he's tried to hold back the whole evening shoot into his eyes but before they can fall from there's a broken sob escaping Viggo's lips and he launches himself at Sean, grabs his shirt and drags him into a hug that makes John's look like the pet of a child's hand.

He's shaking with violent sobs and Sean just holds him, his own tears mingling with the rain's wetness in Viggo's hair.

"I'm still here, Vig, I'm okay" he whispers.

"I thought you-"

"It's alright, I'm not. I'm okay" he says, all gentle reassurance.

Viggo squeezes him tightly then pulls back slightly to look at Sean but without letting go of him. His eyes are bloodshot and tears are still clouding them. He's silent for a moment before the words he's been holding back for long start tumbling from his lips:

"I'm so sorry, Sean, I so sorry I didn't-"

But Sean just smiles through his tears and shakes his head.

"Don't" he says softly. And adds: "There's no need to explain. I can see it in your eyes."

Viggo blinks in astonishment, once, twice, before his face twists into an almost manic grin, his eyes twinkling with joy and relief, and he seals his lips over Sean's in a kiss that's almost bruising in its ferocity and leaves both of them panting and trembling in each others arms. Viggo smiles and runs his hands through Sean's hair and down his cheeks and gently traces his cheekbone, the one without the band-aid. He leans his forehead against Sean's and his voice is soft when he whispers:

"I'm so sorry I've kept you waiting."

__________________________________________
Did you like it? Didn't you? Please leave a quick comment and tell me what you think!

jack/chase: That voice (#24 Fantasy)

2009-06-14T22:18:27Z

Inspired by the Porn Battle prompt "Adrenaline" but written to, as well, fit my Prompt Table's #24: Fantasy.
R rated for obvious reasons ;)
x

Chase bit his lip and desperately searched his field of vision for something, anything really to pull his thoughts off their current course. More than thankful for the distraction his eyes landed on a kid on a skateboard and he followed its movements as it skilfully avoided the pedestrians on the narrow sidewalk.

“Hang on, I’ll get back to you”, he heard Jack’s low rumble in his ear, and relieved he mumbled a “Copy that” and flipped his cell phone shut. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting his head sink against the headrest before he sighed, exasperated, and roughly rubbed his hand over his eyes a couple of times. This had to stop. Immediately. He couldn't allow himself to be distracted like that.

He grimaced and shifted in his seat, his pants way too tight over his erect cock. He knew damn well that he shouldn’t but nevertheless he caught his eyes doing an automatic sweep of his surroundings- to find the street deserted, and he sighed and cupped himself through his jeans, the pressure causing him to moan softly.

He really shouldn’t be doing this. He was in the middle of an operation. He needed to focus. On the operation. Not on his cock, as much as it might be twitching.

He increased the pressure of his palm against himself and started to rub the bulge in his trousers in lazy circles.

He fought to keep his eyes open. He shouldn’t. Someone could walk past and spot him there, hand between his legs. They’d probably call the police and things would get naughty, charges would be filed, disciplinary actions taken. He shouldn’t. He should just get a coffee somewhere. And yet--- the sense of vulnerability, the possibility of getting caught in the proverbial act--- the thought left him flushed and turned him on beyond belief.

A wave of adrenaline washed over him when he quickly checked his surroundings once more and then opened his fly, sliding one hand and inside and closing it around his now rock hard cock. He stroked himself a couple of times, feeling the familiar coil of pleasure building up in his groin.

He had probably lost his mind. Jack could call back any minute and there he was, jacking off in his car. In one of CTU’s cars, to be precise. Waiting for his boss to call.

He sped up his strokes, stifling a moan. Jack would call soon, very soon, his voice raspy right next to his ear, so close, so low, so---

That voice--- that voice that left him hard and straining within three of four syllables whenever he answered one of Jack’s calls. It filtered into his ear, set his acoustical neurons on fire and caused his brain to surrender to the demands of certain lower body parts. That usually involved him touching himself.

He was just lucky that the man himself didn’t have the same effects on his body. And yet, he probably would if he ever should need to whisper something into his ear.

His breath tickling his earlobe, his body so close Chase would be able to feel the heat emanating from it, his voice low, a velvety growl--- giving orders, orders that Chase readily would obey. On his knees--- Jack’s cock in his mouth--- or on all fours, open and ready for Jack to fuck him.

His eyes were very firmly closed by then, his mind fully concentrating on the image of Jack slowly sliding into him, his hand steadily pumping his cock. He was getting close now, so close, the pictures in his head almost sufficient to push him over the edge. He brought up his left arm to rest on the steering wheel and let his head sink onto his arm, biting into his jacket to stifle his moans. In his head Jack was speeding up his movements, pounding into him, deep, hard, unrelenting.

He came with a stifled sob then, shooting into his hand, his orgasm rippling through his body like a blast and causing him to buck against his hand. Taking a deep unsteady breath he lifted up his head, trying to focus.

His surroundings were zooming in an out of focus but the street seemed to be deserted and he sighed in relieve and reached over to the glove compartment in search for tissues. When he had cleaned up himself as best as he could, checking his jeans for any treacherous stains his phone went off.

Stifling as sigh of utter contentment he flipped it open. “Edmunds?”

“Chase, it’s me. Get back here. I fear it’s going to be a rough night.”

Chase felt the corner of his mouth twitch in amusement. A rough night with Jack Bauer--- he was curious to find out what his mind would make of that later, in the sanctuary of his bedroom. Or CTU’s men’s room.

“Copy that. I’ll be there in twenty.”

jack/nina: About time

2009-06-14T16:40:56Z

Written for the Porn battle prompt "regret"
R rated, for obvious reasons ;)

He knows he’s staring.
And has been for a couple of weeks.
It’s completely inappropriate.
Every time he promises himself that this has been the last time.
Only to discover that he fails miserably as soon she walks past his desk the next time and he catches his eyes once more wandering to her ass.
He just prays that she hasn’t noticed. Mason will happily welcome any complaint regarding his person as an opportunity to get rid of him. Probably to get him sent to Alaska.
Jack sighs and forces his attention back towards his screen. This has to stop. And if it’s going to take three cold showers a day.

He’s standing at his desk, digging through the various heaps of files occupying the better part of the board in search of a certain folder he knows has to be there.
There’s a soft knock against the doorframe and when he looks up she’s standing there, looking tired and he briefly wonders what time it is.
“I’m heading home” she says with a smile.
He nods. “Sure. Thanks for the report.”
She shrugs. “You’re welcome. I figured I better got it done before the weekend.”
“I really appreciate it.”
Involuntarily his attention has shifted back to the papers in front of him. The damn folder has to be somewhere. Or Mason will fry him.
Her voice is quiet when she asks: “You’re not going to call it a day any time soon? It’s past eleven.”
His head snaps up. “Shit, Nina, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…you should have left hours ago, I…”
She interrupts him by shaking her head. “You didn’t ask me to stay. I chose to.”
“But…”
“It’s fine, Jack, drop it.” She smiles, a genuine smile and he feels himself relax slightly.
“Thank you” he says quietly.
“As I said, you’re welcome. So, what about you? Have you taken permanent residence at CTU now?”
He sighs. “I need to finish something for Mason first. He sent me this folder and I…” He helplessly gestures towards his desk.
“You managed to misplace it” she finishes his sentence, a new smile playing around her lips.
He scratches his head, slightly embarrassed. “Actually… well, yeah” he admits.
Her smile widens as she walks over to him and lets her eyes wander over the various stacks.
“Let’s see” she says slowly, running her fingers over two stacks, then down a third one to retrieve a manila folder. “You’re looking for that one, by any chance?”
He stares at her, incredulous.
She grins at his stunned expression. “Now, you can’t have been searching for this, far too easy…” She turns around and leans against his desk, facing him now. “If I didn’t know better I might think you just made this up to…” She stops there, a smile tugging at her lips.
“To…?” he asks, incapable of forming a complete sentence. She’s standing close. Very close. Too close to just… dammit, she… He swallows, his mouth suddenly very dry.
She shrugs nonchalantly and there’s an expression in her eyes that he can’t quite define.
“Well, I don’t know, maybe to…” She pushes herself off the table and there she is, right in front of him, their faces only inches apart. He can’t but stare at her, his mind suddenly completely blank. She reaches out and trails one finger up his arm, slowly creeping higher and higher and higher and he isn’t sure if he should be thrilled or alarmed but then it doesn’t matter anymore because she asks: “Don’t you think it’s about time?”, her voice low and sending a shiver up his spine. He wants to ask, about time for what, but he doesn't have to because she's already proceeded to explain, her lips tracing his jaw, her hands gripping his biceps and turning him towards her. Then her palms cup his cheeks and she captures his lips with her own and he doesn't care that he probably shouldn't, that he is a married man in what critical condition whatsoever his marriage might be for the time being, he doesn't care that she's his subordinate, all he cares about is that he's been wanting this for the last two weeks at least and he wraps his arms around her and answers her kiss with vigour.
“Seems as if I’ve been right” she smiles against his lips but he doesn’t want her to talk.
Not now.
He’s been lying with his cock in his fist on the dingy sofa in his dingy one-room-apartment and thinking about those lips, about this woman too many nights, and he pulls her back towards him, almost impatiently capturing her lips with his own. She doesn’t object, threading her fingers into his hair and pulling his head towards her, her tongue tangling with his, and he reaches around her and lifts her onto his desk. She wraps her legs around him, her skirt riding up and revealing more of those legs, those legs that have messed with his concentration over those past weeks. He trails his hands up the backside of her thighs, her bare skin silky against his fingers and when she moans against his lips and grinds herself against him reason only is a distant memory.
With shaking hands he starts unbuttoning her blouse, or rather debuttoning as he’s a little too enthusiastic but she doesn’t seem to care either way, tugging at his shirt to bare his chest. With an impatient growl he rips the blouse the rest of the way, then his hands move to her breasts and he cups them, causing her to moan when he pushes her bra out of the way and lightly pinches one of her nipples. When his lips join his hands she arches into his touch and her hands make quick work of his fly. She yanks down his trousers and briefs at the same time, and then her fingers close around his throbbing erection, causing his head to spin, and he exhales shakily, desperately trying to cling to the last remains of coherent thought. There are condoms in his wallet. In the back pocket of his trousers. Condoms, he repeats in his head, on the verge of loosing it right there and then, pounding into her without any second thought when she starts moving her fingers up and down his cock.
His fingers dive under her skirt and push it up further and the discovery that she isn’t wearing any panties makes him gasp. Maybe he should be more astonished but the thought that she’s been planning this all along turns him on even more and he slides one hand between her legs to find her wet, very wet and he fleetingly wonders if there are going to be stains on the files if he takes her on his desk but the thought vanishes into unimportance when she slides off the desk and is one her knees in front of him a moment later, her lips closing around his cock. Her blue eyes directed at him, her gaze unwavering she slowly sucks his whole length into her mouth and the picture presenting itself to him combined with the feeling of her tongue swirling around his head almost does it for him. He groans and impatiently pulls her back up into a standing position, bringing his lips crashing down onto hers.
He unzips her skirt with trembling hands and pushes it down, leaving her naked form the waist down in front of him. His fingers once more dive between her legs and find her clit and slowly start rubbing it, drawing a series of low moans from her throat before he slides one finger into her. She’s wet, so very wet for him and tight around his finger and it’s too much, he wants to fuck her, now, he wants to feel her warmth and tightness around his dick, he wants to bend her over his desk and cause her to scream in pleasure.
“Turn around” her orders, his voice raspy with need. She obeys immediately, turning around and resting her palms flat on his desk, her ass turned towards him. He frees her of her blouse and bra and stands there for a moment, trailing one hand over her back and ass, admiring the view while the other hand closes around himself.
“Don’t move” he breathes and is at the door with a few quick steps, locking it and drawing down the blinds. He doesn’t want to regret this the moment security stumbles upon them. Then he’s back at her side, retrieving the condom from his wallet and quickly putting it in place. He steps closer, nudging her legs further apart and once more sliding a finger into her. Then he positions himself at her entrance and as slowly as possible pushes into her, his thumb finding her clit and starting to rub it. His composure goes out of the window when she pushes back against him and he pulls back out and slams into her, his instincts taking over completely. It’s been a while and all he cares about now his the feeling of her stretching to accommodate him and the wave of desire washing over him and causing him to thrust into her fast and hard, and his low grunts of pleasure mingle with her moans.
Then suddenly she stills and shudders, crying out loud and her muscles are contracting around him and he almost doubles his speed and his vigour, the slim woman and the desk both shaking under his forceful thrusts, and she’s tight, so tight around him and then it’s over all of a sudden and he comes with a groan, collapsing on top of her for a moment.
Panting he then pulls out of her and turns her around. She smiles at him and he presses a kiss to her temple.

“About time” he agrees and holds her against his chest for a moment and she makes a little affirmative noise and nods and against his chest he can't see her treacherous little smile. It's only there for a split second before she wraps her arms around him and sighs contently against his shoulder.
Exactly according to her plan. And it's a nice change that he knows how to touch a woman, too, she muses and lets her hands travel down his back. She hasn't been sure and it's more than she has hoped for. Jack Bauer, she thinks, always good for a surprise. She surely is going to enjoy herself.

jack/chase: Revelations (#17 Change)

2009-06-09T19:24:14Z

Pairing: Jack/Chase
Word count: 2000
Rating: R for language
Prompt: #17 Change
Summary: Chase reveals some of his private life for Jack
A/N: Contains slash- don't like it, don't read it. Chase thoughts mostly, Jack's thoughts in italics. Comments very much appreciated!

It’s been a while and he’s not quite sure if he actually is too nervous to even knock. So much has happened and he fleetingly wonders if it actually still can be how it’s always been between them. But then, he’s been looking forward to this ever since Jack’s called him Friday evening and he’s been hard half the time so he figures, what the hell, takes a deep breath and knocks. And stops worrying because there’s this rare laid-back smile and these arms, the arms he’s been longing for are pulling him close, the familiar Sunday afternoon stubble is scraping over his skin, and Jack tastes the same and smells the same and feels like he always does, firm and substantial, and there’s the familiar eruption of desire in his chest that causes him to impatiently tear at any piece of clothing blocking his way to the other man’s skin. He relaxes into Jack’s touch, completely wrapped up in the feeling of his tongue tangling with his own and his hands roaming over his body while he aligns their lower body parts. He can feel him pressing against his groin through the denim and he knows that Jack can feel him, too, and the thought never fails to make him dizzy.

Jack’s hands slide down his back to cup his cheeks and to pull him closer, a well practiced set of movements. But then suddenly there is a hold-up, Jack freezes in mid-movement, his hand slides into Chase’s back pocket and retrieves something. Something that Chase recalls shouldn’t be there. Not now. Not here. Jack lifts up his hand and stares incredulously at the little pink object dangling from his fingers and Chase mentally kicks himself for forgetting about that. Of all the things to forget.
“What the hell is that?” Jack asks. “You know I’m happy to suck on every body part of yours whatsoever, but please tell me this isn’t your latest kink because honestly, I can’t deal with that.”

Chase feels himself blush furiously and he quickly snatches the pacifier from Jack’s hand and tucks it back into his pocket. “It’s nothing, I…”, he starts half-heartedly but then he realizes that he’s not going to be able to make up any excuse that sounds plausible and he stops.
It’s not how he’s wanted this to be. It’s wrong. He’s not ready. Not that he ever would have been, but… Jack’s voice makes him snap out of his thoughts.
“Chase?” he asks, quietly, and his hands come to rest on Chase’s shoulders. “You alright?”

Chase looks at him, scanning the familiar features of the man he knows so much about and yet so little, trying to make up his mind. They shouldn’t be talking about this. They should be kissing and ripping at each other clothes and fuck each other into oblivion but they sure as hell shouldn’t be discussing his family status. And it’s not helping that Jack’s not only the man he’s occasionally shagging but his boss, too. The boss that might be pissed off about not being told about this earlier.
No, I’m not alright, he thinks, but feels himself nod. The he closes his eyes for a second and takes a deep breath before saying: “It’s my daughter’s.”
He tries to force himself to hold Jack’s gaze but discovers he can’t.

Jack takes a step backwards, breaking the body contact and Chase looks up in alarm, scared of what he might see in Jack’s eyes. Jack’s expression is unreadable when he says: “I didn’t know you had a kid.”

Chase runs one hand through his short cut hair, trying to gauge what Jack’s thinking. And trying to decide what to tell him. The truth, possibly.
“I didn’t know either. Juliette, I dated her last year and she just, well, she just left her with me. Says she can’t take the responsibility right now.” He stops and his eyes dart to the window before moving back to Jack. “I didn’t even know she was pregnant when we split up.”

Jack stares at him for a moment, not a single muscle moving in his face, and Chase finds himself wondering if he’s just going to ask him to leave. That’s definitely not what he’s come for. He’s come to get laid. Nothing more. Nothing less. It’s always been clear to both of them. Convenient arrangement. No responsibility, no commitment.

“That must have been a shock.” Jack’s voice is surprisingly soft and Chase is momentarily at a loss as how to react.
“Yeah” is all he manages, his mouth suddenly very dry.
"Why didn't you say anything?" It’s not an accusation, it’s a honest question and there’s a hint of surprise in Jack’s tone, too.

"I wasn't sure if we were on those terms." Chase’s voice is hoarse and he can’t look at Jack.

Yeah, Jack thinks, maybe we aren't. It feels strange for sure.
He looks at his younger partner for a moment, seeing the distress and the awkwardness of the moment written all over his face and his next words surprise him as well:
"Do you want a cup of coffee?"
The green eyes that he never gets tired of having directed at himself stare at him for a moment. Chase’s expression is guarded, and he can see him battling with himself. This is going into a direction neither of them has thought possible.
Then a smile flits over the younger man’s face. “Yeah. I think I do.”

When he sits down in the living-room he realizes that he has actually never been sitting on the couch. Either they haven’t even made it that far, one of the walls or the floor sufficient in the heat of the moment, or the bed a more obvious choice. He sighs and tries to calm his thoughts. Now he definitely is nervous. This is so completely… new. And almost scary in its sudden intimacy.

“What’s her name?” Jack is leaning in the door leading to the tiny kitchen and behind him there is the buzz of the coffee maker.
“Angela.” It still feels strange to say her name.
"How old is she?"
"Six months."
Jack nods and smiles at him, before he disappears, returning with two mugs of steaming coffee a moment later. He hands one over to Chase. They sit in silence for a moment before Chase feels Jack’s eyes on him, his gaze as intense as always. Yet, the desire isn’t there. Something has shifted. The tension that is hanging between them is a different one from the one he knows so well, the one that will leave them panting and naked in each others arms in the course of minutes and he doesn’t quite know how to deal with it.
"So, how does it feel?" There’s that soft tone again, the one Chase can’t recall ever to have heard before.
"It's difficult but..." His voice trails off and he feels himself color slightly.
"But?" Jack asks, tentative.
He sighs. "Wonderful."

There’s a smile lighting up the younger man’s face and Jack realizes he’s never quite seen him smile. Not that way. There are those timid, bashful little smiles and he’s seen him smirking, too, at night, in his bedroom but he’s never seen that sort of a smile, a smile that reaches his eyes. The thought almost hurts and he wonders if what they’ve been doing those countless nights is right
"I know what you mean" he says quietly. Despite the crying and the lack of sleep Kim’s first year probably has been the happiest of his life so far. And there isn’t much that makes him hope that there is a happier time ahead.
"It's just, it would have been nice to know in advance. It's difficult to adjust" Chase says with a heartfelt sigh.
"Believe me, even eight months earlier doesn't make a difference, you never feel prepared."
"Maybe. It's just a strange feeling."
Jack nods his agreement. Then a thought strikes him that makes him smile.
"So, how did Chloe take it?”
Chase lips stretch into a smile as well.
"Chloe-like. Stoic and with a frown. She would never admit it, but she adores her. And she’s great with her. Five minutes after I told her she had already compiled a list with everything we needed and dragged me through the mall. Well, us. "

Jack laughs, really laughs actually, and Chase can’t but stare at him.
“I can imagine that.” Jack’s eyes move towards the window and he’s far away for a moment, apparently deep in thought. The smile is still lingering on his lips and there are lines showing at the corner of his eye, lines Chase never before has thought might be laugh lines. The thought unsettles him. Surely there has been a happier time in Jack’s life, too. He bites his lip. Maybe he shouldn’t have told him. Maybe he should just have left before things got that complicated.
But then Jack turns around and looks at him in silence for a moment before slowly saying:
“Listen, I never thought I’d say this, but if you ever need advice…”
Chase looks at him, dazed by Jack’s expression, open, unguarded and instinctively he feels himself smile.
“Thank you, I really appreciate that offer.”
There is a moment of silence and both look at each other, until Jack finally tries to reduce the tension:
"Do you have a picture?"
Chase nods and retrieves his wallet.
Jack's lips curve into a smile. "She's beautiful."
Chase nods. He regards the picture of his daughter for another moment before he tucks it back into his wallet. When he looks up there’s an expression on Jack’s face that he can’t quite interpret.
"What's wrong?" he asks, instantly tensing up. Maybe he has revealed too much. Maybe he should have been more guarded. All of this is going to make it less convenient, more personal, harder to forget.
Jack steadily meets his gaze, yet without saying anything and Chase feels his heart beat accelerating. Then a little smile flits over Jack’s face and he turns to look out of the window for a moment.

Maybe it's the insecurity, he thinks. Strange enough. Because what draws him towards Chase is his confidence. He isn't easily intimidated. He has had the nerve to look him straight in the eye and tell him he was attracted to him. And wanted to fuck him. And be fucked.
But the man sitting next to him is, well, different. He looks like the man he’s been fucking for almost four months now and he smells like him and surely tastes like him, too, but Jack has never seen that soft expression, has never heard that voice, warm, emotional. He's happy, Jack thinks, truly happy and he wonders if he's ever looked like that. 15 years ago. Has he?

He looks back at Chase and Chase can feel his breath hitch in his throat.
Jack's voice is a low and raspy when he says: "You know, I have no idea where this is coming from right now but I'd really like to kiss you."
Chase shrugs: "Well, you have before."
Jack shakes his head. "That's not what I mean. I'd like to kiss you."
"I don't understand."
Jack's expression is serious and he stares at him for a second. "Then I'll have to show you."
He scoots closer and leans into Chase. But instead of the demanding pressure, the impatient tongue he gently places his lips to Chases, his touch soft, featherlike and it makes Chase's head spin. He answers the kiss, confused, the new pace awkward for both of them. Jack rests one of his palms against his cheek and pulls him closer, gently nudging his lips apart with the tip of his tongue, advancing and retreating in a dance never practiced before.
Then he pulls back, without letting go of Chase and resting his forehead against Chase's he says quietly: "That's what I mean."

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Did you like it? Please comment :)
My jack/chase prompt table for fanfic50 can be found here

jack/tony: The Chinese Way (#20 Promise)

2009-05-14T13:20:08Z

Words: 640
Rating: R for violence
Characters: Jack, Tony, Tony's evil love interest, mentions of Kim and Renee
Summary: Jack makes a promise that Tony doesn't want him to keep
A/N: Set at the end of Day 7 (Spoilers!) and let's just pretend it's something he'll recover from, I refuse to accept Jack Bauer is going to be killed by proteines!

It was over in a white flash of pain and then they were running over the deserted and badly illuminated parking lot towards the industrial building, Jack roughly pushing Tony forwards and begging that he hadn’t killed her this time, her face so white, so white against the red enveloping it. Too white. Too red.
His surroundings were zooming in and out of focus and every muscle fibre burned as if on fire and yet, his feet miraculously kept moving and he managed to maintain his iron grip around Tony’s arm. The nausea was new, he noticed, and he fleetingly wondered how much farther he’d be able to run until he’d start retching.
Not ever, not in his darkest moments he’d done what he had done in the car, sitting there and staring at the man he thought he knew so well. Never before had he given into the demands of the darkest feelings deep down inside of him, never before had he allowed himself to let go so thoroughly and to only focus on this one feeling. His hatred.

When they reached the empty warehouse he slammed Tony into the wall, trapping him against it with his arm pressed to his neck, his hands still cuffed in front of his body.
She would be there in a moment. But he was confident he’d have enough time.
He stared at Tony for a long moment, trying to control his breathing.
Tony’s split lips twisted into a sardonic smile.
“Let’s face it, Jack, we both know that even you have a price. Your little blonde princess. You’re not going to risk her life by killing me.”
Jack’s eyes narrowed and he increased the pressure on Tony’s throat.
“Even if you don’t have anything left to loose. She has. And so has your granddaughter.”
Jack almost let go, gasping at the pain that shot through his chest.
Tony chuckled. “That’s right. Little Teri. Isn’t that heartbreaking?”
Jack’s fist connected with Tony’s jaw before he’d even noticed he was moving.
Tony took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, but the grin never left his face.
When he opened his eyes they were all provocation. “Go ahead, Jack. Do it. Beat me to death. If you still can.”
A punch hit his gunshot wound. He winced.
“Oh ouch. You gotta do better than that.”
Jack knew there were tears in his eyes now but he didn’t care. He didn’t care that his voice was trembling either.
“How dare you, Tony.” There was a satisfying crunch when his knuckles met Tony’s brow and he started to feel better. He took a step backwards and then launched himself against Tony with full force, his head banging against the wall. Seizing Tony’s neck with both hands he forced him to look at him.
“If anything happens to her I’ll find you. And if it’s the last thing I do. It might take me a while but don’t make the mistake to think I won’t be coming. And you and I, we’ll sit down and have a nice little talk. Good old fashioned Chinese way. And I promise, Tony, it’ll make everything you’ve been through so far look like a walk in the park. And with the days passing and turning into months you’ll discover that you have left something to loose. Your sanity.”

There was the sound of a car behind them but Jack didn’t turn around. Not taking his eyes from Tony’s he slowly slid his hands down his body and took a firm grip around his right forearm. Just as slowly lifted up his knee, using it as a lever and not letting go until there was the familiar sound of a bone, or two, breaking.
Tony’s scream pierced the night and it was Jack’s turn to smile. “I’ll see you around, Tony.“

jack/tony: Coming Home (#9 Home)

2009-05-13T20:36:37Z

Contains slash. Don't like it, don't read it!

With a sigh Tony leaned forward and shut down the engine. A glance at his watch caused him to frown. He was late. Well, later than usually at least. Wearily he stared over at the house. The lights in the hallway were still on as well the ones upstairs, in the bedroom.

Damn it. He should have...

Yeah. He should have stayed at home. With his wife.

That was what he should have done.

He ran one hair through his hair, trying to hold his nerves, and caught himself automatically checking if his curls were still damp from his shower. His cautionary shower.

Today his routine task of scrubbing the other man’s scent and probably taste off his body had taken an unexpected turn when Jack had joined him in the little shower cabin. He’d flashed him an innocent smile and reached for the bottle with shower gel and offered his help with… whatever, Tony didn’t even recall the words, and then Jack’s hands had been everywhere and moments later he had been on his knees, taking Tony into his mouth before he’d steadied himself against the tile wall, Jack behind him, the shower gel serving as makeshift lube. There had been the well known pain transforming into the hot sting of lust when Jack had pushed deeper inside and then there had been the hard, fast thrusts that made his head spin, and Jack’s heavy breathing next to his ear and his hand wrapped around his cock, moving in tune with his hips and Tony’d come with a strangled sob, Jack close behind, moaning his name.
Tony rubbed his hand over his eyes, trying to chase away the pictures in his head. At least temporarily.

He opened the car door and drew in a sharp breath when he moved to climb off his seat.

He was sore. And he’d probably be for a couple of days.

He bit his lip and pushed off the seat, grimacing at the pain that shot through his body.

He shouldn’t be surprised. It had been a while and neither of them had bothered to be careful or to take things slow, the need had been overwhelming. They hadn't even made it to the bedroom, clothes coming off as soon as Tony had closed the door behind himself. He'd known as soon as his eyes had met Jack's. There was that look to them, that look that never failed to cause his breath to hitch in his throat. Unmasked need. He'd practically dragged Tony inside, their mouths colliding in a fierce kiss, their hands grabbing whatever they could of the long longed for body, pulling the other one close, reclaiming their territory.

He'd been hard immediately. In fact he'd been the whole ride over. Plus several times during the afternoon whenever he’d let his thoughts stray.

The floor had been cold but Jack’s mouth had been warm and wet and eager and soon nothing else had mattered than that mouth and these hands, caressing him, teasing him, pushing him over the edge.

He practically limped over to the door, unlocking it and stepping into the hallway as quietly as possible. For a second he held his breath and just listened.

Please, no. No, no.

He bit back a resigned groan when there were soft footsteps and Michelle appeared in the doorway, solely clad in that tiny silky night gown that had never failed to make him want to rip it off her.

Never had failed so far.

Her dark curls were cascading down her back and she was smiling that smile. His throat went dry. Oh no. There was no way he’d… He swallowed.
“Thought I heard you come home” she murmured, taking a step towards him.

He shrugged out of his jacket. “Hi” he echoed. “You didn’t need to stay up.”
Her smile widened and her voice was low when she wrapped her arms around his waist, “I wanted to. Hi.”
He tried to smile, hoping that he didn’t grimace instead and she pushed herself up on her toes and leaned in for a kiss. Her lips were soft on his, too soft for his bruised lips to feel much and her tongue was too gentle, too careful. Too feminine.
Mechanically he slid his arms around her, answering the kiss as best as he could, and the sharp sting of guilt that came with his little act causing his chest to constrict painfully and making him nauseous.
She pulled back a little and there was that look in her eyes, the look that he knew so well and that always had meant eager anticipation. But never before panic.

There was no way he was going to get it up again that evening. Jack had made sure of that.

Absent-mindedly he trailed his fingers down the side of her face. He couldn’t let her down. Not for the second time today.

He knew he’d lie there hating himself even more after her breathing had calmed down and she’d drifted off to sleep, her head resting on his shoulder, as always. But there was no other way.

Ignoring the pain that shot through his lower body parts he lifted her into his arms, wrapped her legs around his waist and carried her to the bedroom, trailing wet kisses down her neck. He carefully lay her down and kissed her deeply before moving to dim the lights so she wouldn’t see the lie in his eyes. Then he gently spread her legs, bent down and slowly ran his tongue over her.

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Inspired of and written for the prompt "Betrayal" at the IJ Porn Battle. The version posted here is modified and slightly longer. Comments always welcome!

jack/chase: Outward impression (#16 Belong)

2009-05-05T15:26:02Z

I signed up at fanfic50 to do 25 jack/chase fic (I've always wanted to do that). So, here's the first one :) And the prompt table is to be found here

She had never taken it seriously, not really. A harmless crush, she’d thought, a passing fancy that made him smile, which was great to see. And even when his bed had definitely been untouched two or three mornings a week she hadn’t reconsidered. A one way attachment, and hopefully he wouldn’t hurt for too long when things ended.

But then she had witnessed something that made her change her mind.

It had been a particularly difficult week. Angela had been sick and crying for three days, Helena was out of town as was the babysitter and Chloe had barely been home because CTU was insanely busy since the threat level had been raised. She knew that Chase probably hadn’t slept more than two or three hours a night for at least five nights in a row and she knew how difficult things still were for him with his arm. The wound was healing slowly but he still was in pain and she guessed that it didn’t really help that he was being left holding the screaming baby. But as much as she hated leaving him to deal with Angela and his handicap all by himself she couldn’t get away from work.

When she came home after another 18 hour shift on Sunday evening she could barely stand upright and was as tired that it made her nauseous. But when she had kicked off her shoes and turned to great Chase she found him looking even worse. She could tell he was on the verge of tears, Angela crying and kicking in his arms in discomfort and his eyes almost as red as hers.

All she wanted was to crawl into her bed and pass out of complete exhaustion but it hurt her to see him like that and without another thought she reached out to take Angela from his arm. But he just shook his head tiredly.

“Go get some sleep, Chlo” he said softly.

"But you..."
He shook his head once more.
"Even your brain needs sleep" he said with a weary smile.

She was too tired to argue, feeling tears well up in her eyes as well. But before they could spill there was a knock on the door and when she opened it there was Jack, looking just as tired as she did, and there was a huge bag of groceries and a tired smile. Without further ado he stepped past her into the hall and set down the bag before turning towards Chase and, ignoring his weak protest, taking Angela from his arms. He settled her onto his hip and reached out with his other arm, pulling Chase into a tight hug, offering the much needed comfort without a word. He held him for a long moment, while he rocked Angela in his arm. Then his lips found Chase’s temple in a soft kiss and Chloe could hear him ask. “Why didn’t you call earlier?” There wasn’t a hint of reproach in his voice, only concern, unmasked. And understanding. And Chloe fleetingly wondered where all that strength came from. He’d been working more than she had, slept less, eaten less, if at all, and still there he was, solid and calm and comforting. And frighteningly private.

Chase didn’t answer, couldn’t answer, exhaustion finally getting the better of him silent tears now streaming down his face and Jack simply continued holding him, running his hand over his back in comforting circles. “It’s okay, I’m here now” she heard him whisper and felt herself unable to move, completely taken aback by the tenderness of Jack’s expression. Tiredness flooded through her body and she just stared at the scene in front of her, allowing herself to draw comfort from Jack’s presence, too.

When Jack lifted his head and looked at her she snapped out of her thoughts, slightly embarrassed, but his smile was reassuring. “You look as if you’re falling asleep right here, Chloe. Go get some rest.”

She felt herself nod, and squeezed past them on her way to her room. The last thing she heard was Jack’s voice, that gentle, soft voice she had never heard before. "Why don't you take a bath? I'll try to calm Angela and make some dinner."

When she later returned downstairs to grab something, anything, to eat on her way to bed she found a plate with pasta with a note to it, displaying her name and the three of them asleep on the couch. Angela rested on Jack’s chest and stomach and he had protectively wrapped one arm around Chase who was curled into his side. All three looked exhausted but serene. Smiling to herself Chloe switched off the lights and covered them with a blanket, softly kissing each of them goodnight.

jack/chase Prompt Table

2009-05-02T10:37:40Z

For fanfic50 , #4- 25 fanfic, Prompt table #3

01.	Temptation	07.	Stained	13.	Want	19.	Hope
02.	Addiction	08.	Right	14.	Bury	20.	Smirk
03.	Hold	09.	Wrong	15.	Touch	21.	Fragile
04.	Faith	10.	Lie	16.	Belong	22.	Secret
05.	Strong	11.	Forgive	17.	Change	23.	Hug
06.	Innocent	12.	Lose	18.	Regret	24.	Fantasy	25.	Enough

jack/chloe: Preparations (#84 Found)

2009-05-01T10:12:02Z

Spoilers for Day7, especially ep 20 + possibly 21!!!!

"There's something wrong with you, isn't it?" He instinctively turns around at the sound of her voice. She’s standing in the doorway, her arms crossed in front of her chest, looking so fragile and yet so strong. Her eyes move to the syringe when he pulls it out of his arm. “You're, you're not using again, are you?"
He closes his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath in a futile attempt to control the panic that rises in his chest. Hastily he rolls down his sleeve and gets up, searching her eyes.

"Come here." He takes her arm and settles her into the chair across from him.
"I don't know how to tell you this. It's…“ He looks down at his shaking hands and interlocks his fingers to mask it. He swallows, then looks up and meets her worried gaze.

“I've been exposed to some of the bio weapon." He’s astonished that his voice carries.
Her eyes widen in shock. "Oh. So you…so that's the medication?" She nods towards the little black case
He nods slowly, forcing himself to look at her when he continues: "It's, it masks the symptoms. There's no treatment for this."
"So, you're telling me you're dying?" The pain in her eyes is that intense that it hurts him.
He nods, unable to say anything, fighting the tears that well up behind his eyes.
"No" she whispers, "no!"
"I'm sorry, Chloe" his eyes drift to his hands again. They are shaking even worse now and he hides them under the table.
"But, I don't understand.” He can hear his panic in her voice. “I, you, you don't, you don't die."

Her eyes plead him to tell her she's right.

A hint of a sad smile appears on his face. "I'm afraid I do."
She shakes her head, tears falling from her eyes now. "No, I, there has to be..."
He stops her by reaching out and taking her hand. Softly he shakes his head. "No. There isn't."
Her lips start to tremble when she tries to hold back the tears and he ignores his trembling legs, pushes himself up into a standing position and walks over to her, pulling her into a hug.
"I'm so sorry, Jack" she cries into his shoulder.
He nods. "Yeah" he whispers.
She pulls back and looks at him.
"How long?"
"Probably hours, not days."
She flinches and swallows hard, biting her lip, her eyes never leaving his.
"I need you to know something" she says quietly before leaning closer and placing her lips onto his. Her kiss is soft, tender and startling in its familiarity and Jack feels himself respond in kind, tears falling from his eyes.
There are fesh tears in her eyes as well when they part.
He tenderly runs his thumb over her cheek, wiping away some of the moisture and she leans into his touch.

"I love you" he whispers.
She nods. "I know. I love you, too."
They smile at each other through their tears, for a moment unwilling to face the inevitable.
"I'm going to be there" she then says quietly, trailing her fingers over the side of his face.
His voice is hoarse when he says: "I was hoping you would. I can’t do this without you.”

jack/teri: Without you (3/?)

2009-05-01T07:46:57Z

When the letters were blurring in front of his eyes he leaned back in his chair for a moment and tiredly rubbed his hands over his face. He sighed. The pain was still there, just as sharp as in the morning. For probably the thousandth time that day his eyes drifted over to the framed photography of Teri and Kim that sat on his desk and he swallowed down the tears for the same amount of times when his eyes moved form their faces to the phone. He couldn’t. There wasn’t a way back, not this time. He had made sure of that. Probably she’d never want to talk to him again. Except maybe about the details of the divorce.
Suppressing the urge of reaching for the receiver he reached for his coffee mug instead, ignoring his stomach’s violent protest. He grimaced when the lukewarm liquid hit his taste buds, stale and acidic, and wearily set the mug back down. Blinking a couple of times he tried to once more to focus on the report in front of him. It was ridiculous, really. He wouldn’t get it done. Not today. He’d sat there for three hours now, staring at page number two. It was an excuse. An excuse that prevented him from feeling the full impact of this morning’s events catch up with him.

A soft knock on his door made him look up. Nina Myers was standing in the doorway, an expression of surprise on her face.
"You're still here? I thought you left hours ago."
He evaded her gaze. "I need to take care of this first", he said, lifting up the report.
Nina looked at him for a moment, taking in his red eyes and his slumped shoulders.
"Jack”, she then said. “I don't mean to sound patronizing but can't this wait? It's late, your family surely is waiting."
Before he couldn’t stop it, his eyes flickered over to the sports bag that he had dumped at the door when he got in. Her eyes followed his.
"Jack?" she asked quietly. "Is everything okay?"
His head snapped up and he looked at her. "Yeah, I..." his autopilot kicked in but then he stopped himself, surprised by it. "No, to tell you the truth, it isn't."
"What happened?"
"Teri and I, we... we had a row and..." His voice trailed off, his eyes moving back to the report.
"And?" she asked gently.
"And I left.”
There was a tiny pause before she said. “I’m sorry, Jack.”
He risked a quick glance at her and found her eyes full of sympathy. He nodded, suddenly feeling the urge to end the conversation, not quite comfortable with the turn it had taken.
"Thanks. Listen, why don't you go home? Like you said, it's late."
She nodded. "Yeah. What about you?"
He shrugged. "I'll finish that report and ..." There was a vague gesture in the direction of the couch.
"You're not going to sleep here?"
He shrugged again. "It's not as if I'm going to get a lot of sleep anyway."
"If you need a place to stay, I have a couch, too."
He stared at her and shook his head.
"Thanks, Nina, but..."
"I know” she interrupted him quickly, sighing. “I work for you and this conversation just got a lot more personal than either of us intended. But I mean it."
He nodded but couldn’t meet her eyes.
"Thanks, I appreciate it."
"But you're going to stay here anyway." He could literally hear her smile and looked up at her. Half attempting a smile, too, he nodded. “Yeah.”
"Okay. Then well, try to get some rest."
He nodded. "Good night."
She smiled and turned to go. He called after her. “Nina.” When she turned around there was something that could be counted as a smile on his lips. “Thank you.”
"Sure" she said, keeping her tone light.
When she then turned once more she couldn't keep the grin off her face.
This was exactly what she had been hoping for.

jack/teri: Without you (1/?)

2009-04-21T12:27:51Z

Set about, let's say half a year before Day 1.

Teri trailed her thumb over the framed picture in her hand and sighed. She and Jack on vacation in France. He’d been stationed in Europe for a while and she and Kim had flown over to visit him. On the picture he looked at her with an expression that made her heart beat faster, it always did, even after all those years. His eyes were soft and tender and he smiled at her. One of those rare, genuine smiles. That told her he had been happy then. They both had been.

Teri bit her lip, dragging her eyes off the picture and putting in back on the shelf while she tried to ignore the uneasy feeling in her chest. Tried to ignore the thought that it had been a long time. A long time since she had seen him smile like that. A long time since they had been happy. She hugged herself tightly and let her eyes wander over to the window that looked out over the garden.

It had been difficult for a long time. And she knew that if she was completely honest with herself she had to admit that it never had been easy. The baby, his military years and the countless special operations. It had been difficult but they both had tried so hard to make it work. It had been difficult but she had always been sure that it was what she wanted. She’d wanted to be with him and she’d known that he felt the same and that had been enough to maneuver them through whatever crisis his profession got them into.

She didn’t remember when this had changed, when she had first thought that something didn’t feel right anymore. But she knew that things had been different between them after his deployment to Europe. She couldn’t have named what had changed. But it had felt different.

He’d always been a little distant when he came back. He’d always needed time to adjust to her presence at first. There was the firm hug when he got back, the quick kiss, he’d tell her how much he’d missed them, how much he had missed her. And then he’d need some time. He wouldn’t talk much, sleep a lot, workout a lot, and reclaim the kitchen as his territory. But he would be back. He’d be there, solid and real and he always cared. Even if he needed time to adjust, needed his space and needed to be alone now and then he’d always be attentive and searching her presence. He’d touch her whenever he had the chance, would hold her, he’d be tender. And passionate. They always had great sex when he came back.

It had been like that when he had come back from Europe, too. He’d needed his time, a little more maybe but everything had been as it always had. And yet it hadn’t, something had changed. He’d been more distant, had started to spend more time on his own. At first she almost hadn’t noticed. He’d been gone for quite a while and he tried his best to adjust to their rhythm and fit in. He’d put an effort into spending time with Kim, into talking to her. They got along much better than she and Kim did and though she was happy for him there sometimes was a sting in her chest, something she couldn’t quite define. Maybe some sort of jealousy. They could spend hours crouched over their chess game, their faces showing the identical concentrated frown, they could spend hours talking and listening to music and Kim always talked to him first when there was a problem. Sometimes when she watched both of them in front of the TV, watching another one of the countless scary movies both kept bringing home, Kim curled into his side, hiding her face behind his shoulder whenever a scene was too scary, when she watched his amused expression, watched him press a kiss to the back of their daughter’s head, heard him murmur something unintelligible into her ear, soothing, she felt alone. Left out. And she envied them. For the bond they had.

It had always been like that. Jack had had that special relationship with her. Something his permanent absence brought with it. He wouldn’t be there to set the rules, even if he always supported her in her decisions regarding Kim. He wouldn’t be there to fight through the smaller and bigger dramas everyday life caused. It would always be something special when he came home. She knew he did his best to support her. And she wanted him to spend as much time with Kim as possible but after Europe she felt as if he was hiding from her, spending time with Kim when she needed him to be with her.

They didn’t always sleep in the same room. They never had. Sometimes when he came home he needed to be alone. And there where his nightmares, too. Sometimes when they became too frequent he’d prefer to sleep downstairs in his study. She didn’t like that. She wanted to be there for him when he needed her but had come to accept the fact that he wanted to deal with this alone.

But he’d always checked on her when he came home after a long day of work. He’d peek into Kim’s room, watch her sleep for a moment and the tenderness that settled into his features then was the same that his eyes had displayed when he’d held their daughter in his arms for the first time. She couldn’t get enough of that look, it always made her love him even more.

But though he hadn't stopped checking om Kim he had stopped coming in to her when he came back late. He’d started to sleep on the couch in his study more than he had used to before and when he slept next to her she often wouldn’t find him there when she woke up the next morning.

She had tried to talk to him but it had been difficult for her to name what troubled her and he’d kissed her and said the mission had been difficult and he simply needed more time. Maybe she should have asked him how much more time. Maybe she should have told him how empty their bed felt without him. Maybe it would have changed things.

When she woke up he wasn’t there. His side of the bed was cold. She sighed and got up, rubbing her eyes. A quick glance at her watch told her it wasn’t six yet. Barefooted she padded downstairs, grabbing her cardigan on her way out of the bedroom and pulling it over her pyjamas as she went.

He wasn’t in the kitchen and a look through the window told her that his car was still there. When she peeked into his study she found him fully dressed and in the process of putting on his combat boots. She felt a frown creep onto her face.

“Where’re you going?” she asked. And wondered when they had stopped saying “Good morning”.

He hadn’t heard her come downstairs and looked up in surprise. His expression was difficult to read and he instantly bent back down to tie his boots.

“They need me to come in today.”

She nodded and tried to ignore the feeling of helplessness that washed over her. After watching him in silence for a moment she asked:

“Were you planning to tell me?” It sounded more like an accusation than she had intended to.

He cast her a quick glance, getting up and reaching for his jacket.

“I left you a message. I didn’t want to wake you” he said, not meeting her eyes.

“You didn’t have a problem with that ever before. You never left without saying goodbye.”

He didn’t say anything, checking his pockets and his bag for whatever item of gear he still was missing. Swallowing down the tears she felt well up behind her eyes she forced herself to stay and say what she initially had come down for:

“You know, I was hoping you’d come back upstairs with me.”

He still didn’t look at her but she could see the pained expression on his face.

“Jack?” she asked, hearing her voice shake with emotion.

He looked up at her and once more she wondered when she had stopped to be able to read him. She had no idea of what was going on inside of him. His words hit her like a slap on the cheek.
"I need to go. I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too" she snapped, turning on her heels as she felt the tears shoot into her eyes. In the mirror at the end f the hall she could see his reflection. He looked at her and their eyes met. Neither of them said a word for a long moment and then he just turned around and walked to the door. When she heard his car door slam shut the tears came.

</style>

jack/teri: Without you (2/?)

2009-04-19T23:07:12Z

Teri sighed when she once more cleared Jack’s unused plate off the table and with a sting in her chest wondered why she still bothered to pretend when she couldn’t remember when they had last eaten together. Or when he had last found the time to cook himself, something he always had taken pleasure in. And in contrary to what she called cooking he really cooked well. Sensing the lately all too familiar wetness in her eyes she busied herself with piling some vegetables and pasta onto his plate and put it into the microwave for him to re-heat later. When she realized what she was doing she froze, anger welling up in her. What was the point of that, when she knew she’d find the food there tomorrow afternoon, untouched and throw it away?! Without even thinking she gripped the plate and tossed it into the trash, pressing her hands to her eyes to prevent the tears from falling.

“Everything okay, mom?” Kim called from in front of the TV.

Teri swallowed. “It’s fine. I just dropped something.”

She tried to calm her breathing. With shaking hands she retrieved the plate from the trash can. It wasn’t broken. At least something that wasn’t broken.

“Can I go over to Janet’s house?” Kim called.

“Don’t you want to wait for your dad to come home?” Teri called back wearily.

Kim’s blonde locks appeared from around the corner and Teri quickly turned to the sink to prevent her daughter from seeing her tears. She opened the tub and rinsed the plate.

“Janet has a new disc we want to listen to. And dad probably isn’t going to be home for ages anyway” she said. Yeah, Teri thought, probably he won’t.

Mechanically she asked: “Did you do your homework?”

She could literally hear Kim roll her eyes. “Yeah, ages ago. So can I go?”

“I’ll come get you at nine.”

“Half past nine.”

“Nine.”

Kim huffed. “Okay.”

Kim was sound asleep by the time she could hear his car on the gravel of the driveway. She put her book aside, listening for his keys in the lock. She got up and checked her reflection in the mirror for the last time. The blue silky nightgown Jack had given her for Christmas last year, after Kim had gone to bed and they had retreated to their bedroom tightly hugged her slim form. It had never failed to catch Jack’s attention so far.

She waited until she thought he’d had the opportunity to take off his work clothes before she padded downstairs. The door to his study was half ajar and he had his back to the door and just dragged the shirt over his head. Without a sound she slipped into the rooms and wrapped her arms around his waist. He tensed instantly and she needed all her willpower to keep her arms where they were. It probably just was his defence mode, he’d relax when he realized it was her.

"It’s late" she said quietly. He didn't say anything, just nodded, relaxing only slightly. "Hard day?" she asked and he nodded once more. She placed a kiss on his shoulder. "Come up with me" she said in a low voice.

He sighed and turned around. "I don't know, Teri, I'm not..." His voice trailed off when his eyes fell on her nightgown. His expression was difficult to read but it wasn’t exactly what she had hoped for. Yet she forced herself to stay calm.

"You're not...?" she asked, trailing one finger down his chest.

He sighed. "I really had a hard day."

She leaned into him and whispered into his ear "Well, let me help you unwind then."
He closed his eyes at her words and his voice was hoarse when he said. "I'm sorry, Teri, but I can't. Not today, I..."

Instantly the tears shot into her eyes again and she cursed herself for the bad timing. She didn’t want him to see her cry. Not again. Not now. Helplessly she launched out at him: "And not tomorrow either, I suppose. Well, never mind."

He didn't look at her, his eyes fixed upon his feet.
"I can't even remember when we last ad sex" she said, voicing what she had refused to even admit to herself for weeks and weeks now and flinching at the intense pain that shot through her chest.

He swallowed. When he looked up there where tears in his eyes. "I... I can't. I'm sorry, I..." Before she could stop herself she had interrupted him, the words tumbling from her mouth racing with the tears that now streamed from her eyes, unchecked.
"I mean, what am I waiting for? Is this going to change? Do you even want it to change?"
He could feel tears constrict his throat and searched for the right words in a mind that only seemed to be numb.
"You know, maybe I'm done waiting. This clearly isn't working" she managed to get out in between sobs.
He just stood there, staring at her, not reacting. "Teri..."
"I don’t know what this is, Jack, but this isn’t a relationship anymore. This is crazy. We don't talk, there are days when we don’t see each other at all and you can't have me touch you let alone that you ever touch me.”

She looked at him, tears still cascading down her cheeks, willing him to say something, anything. But he just stared back at her, something in his eyes she never had seen before.

“I can't do this anymore." She only realized what she had said when she heard the words. She held her breath, her eyes firmly fixed upon Jack while the room around them zoomed in and out of focus. She could feel her legs tremble underneath her.

He didn’t even flinch at her words. He just stared at her.

“Damn it, Jack, did you even hear what I just said?” Her voice was shrill and heavy with desperation.

When she saw him nod everything around her exploded in a whirl of pain and she reached out to steady herself against the wall.

“You son of a bitch!”

He still didn’t say anything, just swallowed to keep the tears in check that pooled in his eyes. She searched his eyes for some sort of reaction, some sort of emotion but in a vain. Despite the tears there wasn’t anything, his eyes were empty and distant.

“Say something. Anything. I…it doesn’t have to be like this. Please, just…” She couldn’t continue when she saw him softly shake his head. “I’m sorry, Teri.”

“I want you out of here” she managed to get out before her knees gave way and she sank to the floor.

His voice filtered into her brain as if from far away and the man that stood in the doorway starring down at her with empty eyes wasn’t her husband of a hundred years.

“I’ll be gone by tomorrow morning.”

He took a deep breath and rubbed his tired eyes before he quietly stepped into her room. He sat down on the edge of her bed, regarding her sleeping face before he softly called her name, reaching for her arm. “Kim.”

She stirred and then slowly opened her eyes.

“Hi” he said and she smiled at him. He tried to answer the smile but he knew it didn’t extent to his eyes.

“Hi dad.” Stretching she sat up. “What are you doing here? What time is it?”

“It’s still early.” His eyes dropped to his hands involuntarily when he tried to brace himself for the moments to come.

He could feel his daughter’s eyes on his face. “What’s wrong?” she asked, a hint of panic in her voice.

He forced himself to look up at her. The tears already were only one blink away but he tried to hold them back. He didn’t want to make things more painful than they already were. When he finally was sure his voice would carry it wasn’t much more than a hoarse whisper.

"I'm moving out, Kim."
"What?" She stared at him with wide eyes that widened even more when his words sank in.
He continued. "I'm sorry, I..."
"You're leaving us?" she asked, her voice trembling.
He couldn't say anything.
"I don't understand, I... What's wrong with you?" she called out and the pain and desperation that her face displayed made him nauseous. She pushed away the covers and tried to get up, tears welling up in her eyes. But he was faster, catching her in his arms.

"Listen to me, Kim" he said in a strangled voice and h knew there where tears in his eyes, too.
"No! You can't! You can't leave us!" She was sobbing now and he pressed her against his chest in a desperate attempt to calm them both.
"Look at me, Kim" he asked.
She furiously shook her head.
He gently tilted up her chin, still holding her close wit his other arm.
"Look at me, sweetheart" he repeated, reaching out and smoothing her hair from her face.
"I'm so sorry, Kim. But I can't stay."
"But I... I don't understand. Don't you love mum anymore?" Before he could say anything in reply she added, panic-stricken: "Does it have anything to do with me?"
He felt himself draw in a shaky breath, tears pooling in his eyes. "God, Kim, no!"
"Then why...?" she sobbed. “I don’t understand.”
"Things haven't been working too well between your mom and me lately."
"She kicked you out?"
He didn't answer quickly enough, the pain still too fresh.
"No, we..." There weren’t any words. How was he even going to try to explain to his daughter what had happened the last night?
"She did, didn't she?"
"Kim..." he tried.
"She needs to destroy everything!"
She wanted to storm out of the room but he moved in between her and the door, reaching out for her shoulders.
"It's not like that, we..."
"So you don't love her then and you want to leave us?"
"No, Kim, I..."
"So it is her fault you're leaving?"
He closed his eyes for a second.
"Sit down with me for a moment" he then asked, patting the bed next to him.
She shook her head. He reached out for her arm and pulled her towards him, onto his lap. They had always sat like that when she was younger. He rested his head against he shoulder and looked up at her.
"Sometimes it's not that simple. I love you so much, both of you, but sometimes that isn't enough. I'm not easy to live with, Kim, you know that. And my job doesn't help either."
"But..." she tried but he silenced her.
"Just listen for a moment. I haven't been there when you both needed me so many times, Kim, and that made it even more difficult for Teri and me. I'm sorry it's come to that but it's not working like that anymore. It's best if I move out."
"No!" There where tears running down Kim's face. "You can't leave, you can't!"
"I have to" he said, his voice thick with emotion.
"I want to go with you"
He looked at her, his eyes breaking and a sob escaping his lips before he could stop it. He tried to control his emotions.
"You can't, Kim, you need to stay with your mom."
"But I want to be with you."
"I'm so sorry, honey."
"But..."
"I don't even know where I'm going to live. I need to find a new place first."
She didn't say a word.
"But I promise you I'll be there when you need me, Kim. Even if I can't be here with you. I'll always just be one phone call away, I want you to know that."
She still didn't say anything.
"I love you so much."
"I love you too, dad" she whispered, biting her lip to stem the flow of tears.
He pulled her into another embrace, pressing her to him as tightly as he dared to.
"I need to go."
"No!" she whispered, tightening her grip around his neck.
He gently pried away her arms and once more smoothed down her hair, his chest aching at the pain and desperation he saw in her eyes.
"I'll call you tonight, okay?"
She just looked at him, her face contorting when fresh tears fell from her eyes. She hid her face in her hand and tried to muffle her sobs.
"I'm so sorry" he whispered, pressing one last kiss to her forehead and getting up.

Without another look back he walked from the room. He closed the door behind himself, pausing for a moment and trying to control his breathing. When he hurt Kim cry behind the door he flinched and moved away from the door. He couldn’t stand there any second longer or he would be storming back into her room, hug her and promise her everything would be alright. But that would be a lie. Angrily he dabbed at the tears still running down his cheeks with the back of his hand. When he rounded the corner Teri stood there.
They stared at each other for a moment. He knew that he should apologize, that he should take her into his arms, and ask her to forgive him. But like the evening before he couldn’t get his brain to work, the pain in his chest making way for an overwhelming numbness.
"Teri, I..." was everything he managed to say.

She cut him off. "How did she take it?"
He swallowed, his eyes drifting to his feet for a moment.
"Not too well."
She nodded. "That was to expect."
"Teri..."
She shook her head.
"You should leave."
He tried once more to say something but she cut him off again, impatient, irritated.
"Just leave, Jack."
He looked at her for a long moment. Then he felt himself nod like the evening before. He just couldn’t ask her. He couldn’t ask her to give them another try. It wouldn’t be fair. Things wouldn’t be getting easier just because he wanted them to. The man she had married all those years ago wasn’t but a shadow of himself, and what was left of him wasn’t what she deserved. If he left now it would hurt, hurt both of them but maybe there still was time now, maybe she still had a chance to find someone and be happy. To just be happy. Without having to deal with his demons.

Downstairs in the hall he added a few things to the bag he had packed during the night. When he glanced around the room for anything he might need there was a swirl of movement and Kim launched herself into his arms. He automatically reached out to catch her and closed his eyes at the pain that shot through his chest. He wanted to hold her so badly but he wound himself out of her embrace that was choking in its intensity.

Her eyes were red and swollen and she sobbed when she said:
"I don't want you to leave."
He couldn’t but shake his head, fresh tears shooting into his eyes. "I'm sorry, Kim."
He took a step backwards and reached for his bag, producing a wail from his daughter. "No, dad!"
She spun around to where Teri had appeared in the doorway. "Tell him to stay!" she begged.
Teri bit her lip, her eyes flickering over to Jack. "I can't, Kim." Her voice was strangled.
"But... when will you be back?" Kim looked at him, and the innocence of her question made him want to scream in pain. He couldn't say anything.
"You will be back? Will you? Dad?" Her desperate pleas grew louder and louder when he didn’t answer but he couldn't, tears clouding his vision.
"Mom?" Kim turned around.
Teri took a deep breath. "Look, Kim, we'll see. We don't know yet."
"No!" Kim cried out. "No!" And she collapsed into a heap on the floor, hiding her face in her hands.
Instinctively he took a step forwards but Teri's gaze made him stop in his tracks.

Swallowing hard he turned around, opening the door.
"No, dad, DAD!" Kim tried to get up but Teri held her. The last thing he saw were Kim's furious tears and Teri's pained expression and he heard his daughter hiss: "Get off me! I hate you! I HATE YOU!"
He got to his car and managed to start the engine. He managed to back out of the driveway. But as soon as he was out of sight he needed to stop, tears blinding him he allowed his head to sink onto his arms and cried, cried like he never had cried before.

jack/tony: Tony. The Devil and his Advocate (# 14 Betray)

2009-04-18T22:48:37Z

Spoilers for Day 7!!!
This is the follow up to "2", which shows Jack's perspective. This one presents Tony's. But beware. Its not pretty.

Tony took a deep breath before dialling the number. He stared at the wall in front of him, in desperate need of something to fix his eyes on. He knew it would help him to focus. He could hear his heart beat madly in his chest, could feel his pulse spike as if he had sprinted up a flight of stairs. He cursed himself for his body’s reactions, cursed himself because they made it impossible for him to deny that it mattered. That something from the past he so desperately tried to forget still mattered. That he mattered. That nothing had changed that.

There was a huge lump in his throat and he felt oddly light headed and disconnected from his surroundings.

He knew he was pushing his luck. He knew that he was playing with the fire and he was very well aware of the fact that everything might escape his control and he might burn himself. He knew that he had made his choices and that he shouldn't let him come close again. That he wasn't strong enough.

But yet he knew he had to. As much as it would distract him, as vulnerable as it would make him. There was no other option now. He needed him.

His voice was raspy as if he hadn’t spoken since that day ages ago, that day his life shattered. That day he had lost everything that mattered.

He knew it was the only way. Yet he hated himself for what he was about to do. He’d try to fool him and it would work. Stay out of this. He knew this man by heart. Best thing to say if he wanted him to follow the trail.

He broke the connection as soon as he had said the words, the sound of Jack’s voice making him dizzy. He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut with both of his hands for a moment.

He had hoped that he would never have to see him again. He had hoped it would never come to this. Because it would be easier, there would be less pain. It had been so easy to detach with him gone, nothing had mattered anymore. For over a year everything he did had been clouded by the throbbing pain that had taken residence in his chest and become his steady companion. The time had taken the sharp edge of the pain but the numbness that had come with it never had vanished. When he had woken up at the bottom of the hole he had fallen into he saw it in his eyes. The eyes that stared back at him from the dirty mirror in one of the dingy motels they had stayed at weren’t his eyes. He had never seen that man before.

It had scared him but he pushed away the thoughts that came with the fear. There wasn’t anything he could do. There was no way back. He couldn’t have his former life back. What was lost was lost for good. He needed to accept that.

It troubled him that Jack suddenly had entered the game again. But of course. Of course they would bring him in. Because of him. Because of their history.

Tony let himself sink into the nearest chair. Jack’s voice was still echoing in his head, causing so many memories to resurface. He hated it that Jack was being dragged into this because of him. He wanted him as far as possible away from this world. For a lot of reasons.

Most of all he wanted him to stay away so that he wouldn’t have to face his worst nightmare. He didn’t want to see those blue eyes that he remembered so well and that had hunted him for over a decade shine with tears of rage and disappointment, didn’t want to witness them turn cold and fill with disgust.

He bit his lip. He couldn’t let these thoughts enter his head now. He needed to stay focused. He knew that this was how the game was played. And that he had to play along. He was too far in it. There was no other way. He had known all along that there would be sacrifices that would have to be made. But what he hadn’t considered was that they would bring Jack into this. And how much it would hurt to know he was back, that he was within reach.

And most of all, he didn’t even want to think the thought that this time Jack might be the one who was expendable.

Tony let out a little bitter laugh. It was ridiculous how much power the man still possessed over him, it was ridiculous how much he admired him, how much he still felt, after all those years.

He got up. He needed to get a grip. Whatever there had been between them in the past, it was gone now. It didn’t matter that he once had believed that what he felt for Jack had been mutual. That he had believed that they once had been at eye-level.

They never had been. He had been a fool to believe it. Jack had always been the knight in the shining armour. The one who always was right and who never hesitated to stand up to his actions. Even if it meant being dragged in front of a senate committee and being spat at. He would face charges, that was for sure. Yet he had stood there, proud, strong, believing in something.

That was the difference. And Tony envied him for it.

***

His legs almost refused their service when their eyes met. He stood rooted to the spot for a second before his instincts kicked back in. He had to get away from Jack. He had to. There was no way he would be able to meet his gaze ever again. Too big was his betrayal. His mind worked feverishly as he pushed his body to it’s limits and tried to find a way out.

But Jack had always been half a step ahead.

When he grabbed him and shoved him into the container Tony thought he would faint. Decompensate instantly. Jack’s grip on him was fierce, bruising in it’s intensity but what took his breath away was the raw pain that Jack’s eyes displayed. They pinned him down, burned into him in the desperate need to find a sign, an explanation. Great god. He was looking for an explanation.

He wanted to launch himself at him, to hold him, to trace these familiar features with his fingers, tell him that everything would be alright. But he knew that this could never be the case. Nothing would ever be alright ever again.
At the crossroads they had both taken a different road and those wouldn’t lead them together again.

***

He had to provoke him. And he knew how to. It was so easy. He needed to get him close so he would be able to give him the code.

He despised himself for what he was about to do. He didn’t want Jack to be dragged any further into this. But he knew he didn’t have any other option. He needed to get out of there. And he needed Jack to get him out.

But when Jack squeezed together his throat and there where small stars dancing in front of his eyes and his lungs started burning he was only one thought away from giving up, from stopping his desperate struggle to stay conscious. Whom was he trying to fool? It would be relief, really. He didn't want to live with this guilt. He didn't want to live to see Jack's disappointment. To see him hurt like that. Hurt because of him. It would be convenient to just close his eyes and give up.

But the thought that made him fight the other man desperately was that he didn’t want to add to Jack’s guilt either. That he didn’t want Jack to take the blame for his death. He owed him that much. After Nina and Ryan and Curtis he owed him that much.

***

A relieved sigh escaped his lips when he had convinced himself that Jack was okay, or that there at least weren’t any exterior wounds. He closed his eyes for a moment in order to regain control over his emotions. When he opened them again he found Jack's blue eyes directed at him, full of pain, accusing, begging.
Immediately he felt the tears in his eyes he had tried to suppress all day. He shook his head, not able to say anything.
He wanted to drag him into his arms, to hold him, to breathe him in, to feel save as he know he would. Yet he couldn't. He couldn't let him get to him.

"Tony...?" Jack's voice was strangled.
"I'm sorry, Jack, I can't..." He swallowed down the tears and moved away from Jack, not wanting to let his feelings show. It was impossible.
Jack would never be able to forgive him. He could as well have been dead. He had taken the easy way out while Jack had taken the full blow. Imprisonment, torture, being chased around the world, dragged into a hearing. And yet he had been willing to sacrifice his last chance. To get him out. To help him clean up his mess. The consequences vanishing into unimportance for the moment. He wished he had made the choice to try and do the same for Jack.
He bend over the first-aid-pack and prepared a shot of morphine.
Turning back to Jack he muttered: "That should help you with the bruised rips."
But Jack stopped him, reaching for his arm. "Tony..." he said quietly. The intensity in his voice made him shiver. Furiously he shook his head, refusing to meet Jack's eyes. "Don't, Jack. I can't."
Jack drew back his hand as if he had burned himself. Tony swallowed hard and set the shot with trembling hands before withdrawing into the other corner.

***

Tony could only half listen. Jack’s presence made him edgy. He stood there, trying to keep his face impassive, dreading the turn of the conversation that he knew was inescapable. The room zoomed in and out of focus and he thought he might be sick. But he willed himself to be strong. It would only take a little bit longer. And it was easier to deal with the pain once he was gone.

Jack’s eyes dug into his and the look in them made the blood in his veins freeze. His tongue refused his service.

He still believed in him. He still trusted him. It hadn’t even entered his mind that he might have worked for them.

It made his betrayal even bigger. It made everything worse.

He tried to block out the pain, to stop his surroundings from spinning. He couldn’t tell him. Not now. Not after this gaze. He’d rather die than tell him. That he wasn’t worth his trust. That he wasn’t worth a damn. That he should have died that day. That he chased a phantom. Because Tony Almeida was dead.

His eyes were glued to Jack’s shoulder when he said the words. “I worked for them.” He saw Jack wince. And explode.

He hated to see it. And he hated it that Bill tried to come to his aid, to explain, to justify. He wasn’t worth their help. It was his fault that all of them had gotten caught up in this mess and he despised himself for putting them in harms way. But they were the only chance he had.

He knew he shouldn’t agree to their plan. He didn’t want to take Jack with him. He knew how dangerous this was. And it shocked him to see Jack’s determination. He didn’t even hesitate for one split second. He knew what the stakes were. He knew how this worked. He knew he’d probably not make it out of there alive. It was then he realized Jack probably hadn’t much to loose, either.

***

The silence in the car was strained. Jack’s trained were firmly fixed on the road and Tony found it impossible to stop shifting in his seat. He couldn't do this. It was wrong. Jack shouldn't be there. Not cleaning up his mess.

And yet. He knew that it would be futile to try and discuss this with Jack. He had made his choice.

“This Emerson.” Jack still didn’t look at him. “You two are close?” He could hear the emotion that Jack tried to keep from his voice and he knew what the real question was. Have you been doing him?
"Is it going to be a problem?"
"No." What else could he say? That David had been there when no one else had? That he was as close as Tony’s messed up mind had let him? That mind that never had ceased thinking that he couldn’t go on without Jack? That there was no point in going on without him? And that being with David had made it possible for him to escape those thoughts, if only for short intervals?

It wouldn’t change anything about the fact that he had betrayed him. In this regard, too.

***

He still needed him. He loathed himself for it. But that wasn’t anything new. He hadn’t been his own biggest fan for years. What surprised him was that he didn’t hesitate. That those thoughts didn’t stop him. Didn’t stop him from endangering the only person in the world he still cared about. Or better, that Tony Almeida had cared about.

He shot a sideways glance at Jack. It was ridiculous how much he hated and loved the man at the same time. How much he loved him for his commitment and how much he hated him for his, how much he despised him for his integrity.

It could have been perfect. They could have done what had to be done, much more effectively. They worked well together. Better than David and he ever had. They could have been partners.

He stared out over the WashingtonMonument. He was surprised at how easy it was. He knew him so well, knew how he ticked, knew how he would get him to do what he wanted him to do.

The devil and his advocate

And yet, he dreaded the moment Jack would realize what he was up to. Dreaded the confrontation. He knew he might not be able to deal with it.

***

They sat in his car, staring over at the White House.
"I'll see you on the other side" he heard him say right before he opened the door. His eyes followed him when he walked away from the car.
No, my friend, we won't, he thought. We'll never be on the same side ever again. We both made our choices. We’ll see whose are the ones that pay off at the end of the day.

***

"Will he be alright?" It was an act. Of course he wouldn't be. There was no way he was going to make it through this. He walked over to the chopper with Larry, trying his best to ignore the sting in his chest. He shouldn’t have let them bring him into this. He didn’t deserve this.

There where tears in is eyes that he tried to hide when the chopper lifted.

Everybody had their limits. Their price.

Everybody was expendable. Even Jack Bauer.

He had crossed the last line today. And the price he’d pay for crossing it would be steep.

There was no way he was going to be able to live with the guilt of having caused Jack’s death.

jack/chloe: The End of The Road

2009-04-16T21:59:37Z

Spoilers for Day 7, Ep 18!!!

The pain that shot through his body was of an intensity that it startled him. He was trained to deal with pain, trained to disconnect from his body and let it pass. He had hoped that China had told him everything there was to learn about pain.

But nothing had ever hurt as much as to sent his daughter away. To sent her away to spare her the horror of seeing him in pain. To spare her the horror of seeing him die.Of seeing him seize and hallucinate, of witnessing him wet his pants, of sitting next to him when one of his body functions after the other went offline.

He needed her to leave as long as he still recognized her, as long as his dying brain cells still granted him the luxury of knowing that he had a daughter.
He needed her to remember a picture of him free from the deformations he knew his intoxication eventually would cause.

He struggled to say the words, desperately trying to maintain some sort of composure. All he wanted was another moment with her. He wanted to hold her for another moment, hold her just once more, like her so often had imagined during the past years. To just be able to hold her, to feel her warmth against his arms, to breathe in the smell of her. His little girl. Whenever he had thought of her there had been that dull ache in his chest, desperation, longing and guilt tightly woven into one another. Since he had been dragged away that day ages ago he had tried to learn to live with the fact that he would never see her again. The distance had made it easier but since he had come back it had been his biggest challenge because while he had managed to get his brain to tell him to stay away, his heart had never been willing to quit hoping.

And now they had no time left. He had no time left.

There was so much he wanted to tell her, so much he wanted her to know.
But all he could do was to pull her into a tight embrace and sent her away.
And hope that she would understand.
That it meant the world to him to have seen her once more.
And that he didn't have a choice.
That there was only one way he could do this: Alone.

He needed to be quick, otherwise he wouldn’t be strong enough, he felt himself unravel rapidly. With the last remains of his self control he managed to turn around again, managed not to call after her, managed not to beg her to stay. If only for a few more seconds.

He wanted just one closer look into her face. The face that had become that mature. He wanted time to get used to the thought that this beautiful woman was his little girl. He wanted to ask her how she had been, if she was happy, if she had any kids of her own. And he wanted to see her laugh.

The burning pain that raged through his abdomen almost took his breath away and he collapsed in his seat and hid his face in his hands, not even trying to hold back the tears.

It just couldn't be true. He couldn't be dying.

He just wanted to get up and leave all of this behind and go home with his daughter.

Another wave of pain hit him with full force and he doubled over, his surrounding zooming in and out of focus. His hands started to shake badly and he felt the icy claws of panic tightening their grip around his chest. How on earth was he supposed to do this?

There was a small hand on his shoulder and he hastily tried to wipe away the tears before he turned around, hoping with all his heart that she had come back. That she had found the strength within her to be with him to the end. As much as he wanted to protect her, he was not in the position to send her away one more time, he wasn’t strong enough. Not anymore.

But when he looked up he found Chloe standing behind him, tears streaming down her face unchecked. Without saying a word she softly shook her head, wincing at the flash of pain that flitted over Jack's expression.
When fresh tears started to fall from his eyes she sat down next to him and without hesitation wrapped him into her arms, hugging him as tightly to her as she could in an attempt to offer some form of comfort where there was none. And where there were no words.
While his body shook with sobs her tears silently trickled into his hair through her tightly squeezed shut eyes. She ran her hands in comforting circles over his back and simply held him, pressing her lips to the side of his face and trying to make him understand that she would be there with him. To the end.

jack/tony: Dads (#11: Share)

2009-04-12T22:21:46Z

The pieces were easy to put together once she had finally chosen to acknowledge the thought that they belonged together. Yet she wondered how she could have been that blind.

All those years. How could she have been oblivious to their feelings for each other?

It was so, well, obvious, actually, and it probably always had been. Only that she hadn't seen it. Or maybe chosen not to see it, she wasn't sure. Things had changed between them. She had learned to be patient with him, calm, more open, more sensitive to how he worked. And though time had brought them a new intimacy and they were closer now than they ever had been before the years apart had also helped her to detach herself from him, to position herself and to control her feelings, her anger and disappointment. And maybe that step backwards had made it possible for her to see the obvious. And to name it.

Kim sighed and set out to rinse the empty baby bottle.

Of course. It explained everything. Why he always had been there, at the oddest places, the oddest moments. One phone call away, one thought, if not only one look.
She couldn't recall them talking much but she had seen them unwind in each other’s presence. Maybe that should have given her something to think about in the first place. They both weren't exactly the embodiment of "relaxed" but the presence of the other usually helped them to calm down and focus. Or the exact opposite, it caused them to explode in each others’ faces. She had always wondered were these two extremes came from. Now she understood.

It had mostly happened when one of them was about to enter a dangerous situation and the other one couldn't do anything to prevent him from going. Their rage, their aggressiveness was the only outlet for their desperation, their fear to loose the other one to their inhuman profession. And not only once had she witnessed them seek each other’s presence after one of them had returned from a difficult mission. They would sit next to each other in front of one of the screens, one debriefing the other, never quite touching each other but obviously close, remarkably close, she thought now.
And there was this inexplicable, unconditional trust. It never took more than the other man's plea to make them trust each other how impossible the situation might be. It had always startled her. Now she understood.

It really explained everything.
It explained why she had witnessed them detach when he had married, maybe even explained the whole Washington thing, including Audrey Raines, something that seemed so unlike her dad.
The connection had always been there. It seemed as if no other relationship ever had changed that.

She tried to remember when she had noticed him being around her dad on a regular basis and found she could actually recall the moment exactly. She had come to the hospital to visit him the day after his heart attack and had found both men sound asleep, one in his bed, the other one in the chair at his side, his head resting on his arms on the bed. She had stood there for a moment, surprised by his presence and then chosen to get a cup of coffee and come back later. When she had, he had been gone. But from that day on he had been there. At the hospital, later at home, too, when she came to see her dad. Her dad had never said anything about it and she had never asked but simply excepted him there as her father's best friend.

And then her dad had been gone. In the blink of an eye. Shot. Just like her mother.
Or so she had thought.
She had fallen into a hole even deeper than the one she had slid into after her mother's death but he had been there and done whatever he could to help her.
He had been the one to tell her. She remembered opening the door to find him on her doorstep, looking pretty much as he always had. And yet. His expression had told her what she didn't want to hear before he even had started speaking and her knees had given in under her and in an instant he had caught her in his arms and held her, held her while she cried like she never had cried before. From this moment on he had always been there, had become a constant in her life as he once had in her father's. He never seemed too weary to care. He held her when she cried, took her home when he had found her on her dad's grave once more, almost passed out of exhaustion and put her to sleep on his couch. She recalled him sitting there sometimes when she woke up in the middle of the night, remembered the pained expression that now and then had crossed his features when he looked at her. And when she later understood where this expression had come from she wondered how he had managed. How he had had the nerve to witness her grief and not to tell her.
And yet, he had probably saved her life by not telling her. As had her dad. They would have come for her first. Both men had known that. Had known that how much the lie might hurt her, the truth might kill her.

She hadn't been able to acknowledge the sacrifice her dad had made that day, then, she had been too shocked. The feeling of betrayal had been overwhelming. How could he have done that to her? It had almost killed her to mourn him and then he just walked back into her life. Not dead at all.
It had almost hurt as much as loosing him.
It had hurt too much to react in any other way than with withdrawal. She couldn't.
She just couldn't wrap her mind around it.
And then he had been gone. Again. And even worse, they had both been gone.
At least one of them forever.
Or so she had thought.

Kim sighed and dried her hands on the kitchen towel, then proceeded to the living room to check on her daughter.
Sometimes she still wondered how she had made it through all of this alive and sane. And happy.
Having them both back in her life definitely had helped, though. The scars were fading rapidly with both of them around, with the three of them united as a family. Two dads and a daughter.
And maybe it was time to acknowledge that there was something else to it, something she hadn't thought of before, that they were her two dads in a way she could only have wished for.

She smiled when she saw him coming across the lawn, his steps easy, calm. She shifted her daughter in her arms and went to open the door.
"Hi dad". She leaned in to kiss him hello.
He smiled and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.
"Hi Kim." Another kiss to greet his granddaughter. "Hi Lily."
Kim lifted her into his arms. She loved to see him hold her daughter.
Although he was much more relaxed now than he had been ever before, whatever tension there was left vanished when she placed Lily in his arms. Both looked as content and serene then that it never failed to cause tears to well up behind her eyes.

"Come on in. Did you have a nice weekend at Karen's and Bill's?"
He nodded. "Yeah. It was good to see them. They're saying hello. Oh, and they're asking if there's anything about the wedding they can be of help with?"
Kim smiled. "They are so sweet. But actually, everything seems to be going alright. I can call them later to say thanks."
Jack nodded and smiled. "Do that. I'm sure they would be pleased to be hearing from you."
"How are they doing?"
"They're fine. Bill's better now and the skin transplants are finally starting to heal. He looks good."
"That's great news", Kim said quietly.
Jack nodded and sighed, his eyes drifting into the distance for a moment. "It is", he said absent-mindedly, and shaking off his thoughts he turned back towards her.
"How have you been?"
"Fine. I'm still enjoying it to be home with Lily."
He smiled at her warmly. "That's great, sweetheart."
"Listen, would you like a cup of coffee?"
"I sure could use one. There was a lot of traffic and Tony fell asleep as soon as we reached the highway."
Tony, she thought. Tony. Of course Tony had accompanied him.
"So you drove all the way back alone?" She gave him her "men!" glare and he smiled at her sheepishly.
"I did wake him up when I needed a break."
While she busied herself with the coffee she tried to bring up the courage to ask what she had wanted to ask for weeks. But the opportune moment had never come. Or she had chickened out.

Jack had sat down on the kitchen bench with Lily in his arms and was rocking her softly. She'd be asleep in a moment, she always was as soon as he set out to rock her in his arms.
Kim took a deep breath and turned to face him. She placed the steaming coffee in front of him and sat down on the chair across from him. He looked up at her and a frown crept onto his face when he saw her serious expression.
"Everything okay?" he asked, concern lacing his voice.
She nodded quickly but her eyes drifted to the glass in her hand. "Yeah. It's just... about the wedding..." Her voice trailed off. Damn it.
"What is it, sweetheart?" he asked gently. "Everything okay between you and Elijah?"
She smiled. "Yes, we're fine. Really. That's not it, I just", she bit her lip. Suddenly she felt like a four year old and she was sure she would blush like mad once she had asked.
"I was wondering if there's maybe someone you'd like to bring to the wedding. As a date, I mean."
He sighed in relief and the laugh lines around his eyes deepened. "Geez, Kim, I thought something was wrong."
"Is there someone?" she asked, holding her breath.
He shook his head and smiled at her. "There isn't. But thanks for asking."
"I'm sorry, I thought, I didn't mean to..."
He interrupted her. "It's fine, Kim. Don't worry." His eyes drifted towards Lily.
"You know that she has Teri's eyes, don't you?" His voice was soft and so full of emotion and she flinched at the pain shooting through her chest.
She swallowed. "I know. Do you miss her a lot?"
His eyes moved to the window and he stared into the distance for a moment before once more searching her eyes. "I do. Some days more, some days less."
Kim nodded. "Me too."
"Maybe it sounds stupid, but sometimes I still think she might be walking in through the door any second. I can almost hear her steps."
"I know what you mean", she said, reaching out to take his hand. He took it and squeezed it gently.
They sat in silence for a moment.
"She's asleep" he finally said, looking down at Lily.
Kim reached for the baby carrier.
"It's okay. I like to hold her" he said, smiling at her.
She answered his smile. "Okay."
Lily moved in her sleep and he bent down and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Sleep tight, sweetheart" he whispered.
Kim bit her lip then took a deep breath and said tentatively: "Dad?"
He looked up at her.
She forced herself to meet his gaze and asked: "What about Tony?"
"Well, what about him?"
"Would you like to bring him? As a date?" She was thankful that she was sitting down as it made it easier for her not to bolt from the room.
He just stared at her, dumbfounded and she could literally see him struggle to process what he had just heard.
"Gimme the carrier" he asked, momentarily too wound up to hold Lily. She did so and carefully he placed Lily into it and then turned to look at his daughter.
"How long have you known?" he asked quietly and the insecurity that shone in his eyes took her breath away..
"Ages, I think. I just didn't realize I knew. Not before we went to pick up Tony at the airport last month."
He looked at her questioningly and she elaborated. "I saw you look at him like you used to look at Mom."
He flinched and cast down his eyes. "I'm sorry."
"No, dad, don't", she hurried to say. "I was so happy when I realized what I had seen."
He looked up at her, his expression full of doubt. "You were?"
"Of course I were" Kim whispered with emphasis.
Jack swallowed and dropped his eyes to his hands again.
Kim slid of her chair and moved around the table to sit next to him. Wrapping one of her arms around his shoulders she asked quietly: "How can you even think I wouldn't be happy?"
When he turned towards her there were tears in his eyes. He hugged her tightly. "Thank you", he whispered into her hair.
"Why didn't you ever say anything?" she asked when he released her.
He sighed. "I, we, we both weren't sure if things would work out between us at all."
"And they do?"
He nodded. "They do. We're, well, happy, I guess" he said, almost shyly.
Kim beamed at him. "That's great, dad."
He looked at her, scanning her features for any trace of doubt. "And you really are...?"
"Okay with it?" she finished his sentence.
He nodded. "Yeah."
"Of course I am. Tony means so much to me. And I mean, it's nothing I need to get used to, he's always been around anyway" she said with a smirk.
He mirrored her smirk: "He has been indeed."
"So you'll bring him?" she asked, taking his hand and squeezing it affectionately.
"I'm not sure if we've come that far yet, but I'll ask him. Thank you so much, Kim."

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